Independence Day ( * )

There have been three movie trailers in my life where I thought, "Holy shit!!! That's going to be the best movie ever!!!" They were: Star Wars: Episode I--The Phantom Menace; Judge Dredd; and Independence Day. Do I chalk it up to gullibility? Perhaps. But trailers can be incredibly misleading. Malice had the worst trailer ever--it looked like it gave everything away--but it was a good movie, and the trailer didn't give away jack shit. The trailer for Independence Day went the opposite route. It showed the three or four minutes of the movie that was tolerable--buildings and cars blowing up, giant alien motherships casting huge menacing shadows over cities, the president rallying the troops. Who'da thunk it would be a Cleveland Steamer after all of that?

The Acting: I'll cut the actors some slack, because nobody--but nobody--could salvage the material they're given. And who wouldn't want to star in a sci-fi blockbuster? I mean, before Independence Day redefined sci-fi blockbusters? Bill Pullman as a beleagured president is semi-enjoyable. Will Smith should have it stated in his contract that all roles are to be attributed as such: Will Smith--Himself. Judd Hirsch plays the Jewiest Jew to ever Jew. Harvey Fierstein plays the faggiest homo to ever foho. And all the rest.

The Story: I don't know a way to get Windows 95 software to work with a Windows XP system, much less to get Windows software to work on a Mac. Yet in this film they have some magical fairy software that can infect an alien computer that is likely millennia advanced from our own. Let's clarify. This is even more improbable than getting a Sega Saturn disc to play in a Playstation 2, which is in itself impossible. In other words, the story is a vomitous piece of spit-on shit.

The Direction: I see Roland Emmerich surrounded by mystical light and elevated Christlike into heretofore unseen Realms of Hackdom...goodbye, Roland Emmerich...Godspeed!

Overall: Randy Quaid, a drunken former abductee who stumbles and slurs through every scene he's doled out, is given about ten one-liners to deliver (none funny or good) as he laboriously smashes his jet into the alien mothership to save the day. Unfortunately, the producers changed it from the original scene, where he decimated the aliens in his crop duster. Bad move. If you're gonna have a farce, ya might as well have a farce.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Will Smith, -5 points--Randy Quaid, -3 points.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to Bill Pullman, for the "We will not go quietly into the night" speech. It may not be over the top to you, but it's more than I expected from Bill Pullman, who must've took some no-doze. +3 points.
• Rule 12: Dodged The Pretentious Bullet Award--and how! +1 point.
• Rule 18: The Two-Headed Calf Boobie Prize--this movie came out too close to Mars Attacks! And Mars Attacks! actually had better effects... -1 point.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--goes to the space ships themselves. The appearance of the alien mothership coming through the clouds is an indelible movie image, so credit where credit's due. +3 points.
• Rule 24 (NEW RULE): Exploding Buildings Are Good--and there are a lot of them in this movie, including a lot of national monuments with cool-looking flying marble pillars. +3 points.

Tredekka Score: ( * )