Tredekka Has Moved...

http://blog.myspace.com/30604440

If, you know, anyone cares.

No Voices In The Sky

What Blog would be complete without some bad poetry? I promise, I won't use my own...and it's not that bad, either... Nobody gives a damn about anybody else,
Think everybody should feel the way they feel themselves,
Rich men think that happiness is a million dollar bills,
So how come most of them O.D. on sleeping pills,

Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, you all know what I mean,
What's the use of a cry for help, if no one hears the scream,
No one hears the scream,
No voices in the sky, confusion blinds the eye,
Can't take it with you when you die,
No voices in the sky,

The ones who dedicate the flags to make you brave,
They also consecrate the headstone on your grave,
Ritual remembrance when no one knows your name,
Don't help a single widow learn to fight the pain,

Politicians kissing babies for good luck,
T.V. preachers sell salvation for a buck,
You don't need no golden cross, to tell you wrong from right,
The world's worst murderers were those who saw the light.
--"No Voices In The Sky", Motorhead

Farewell

This was a fun Blog to do. I've never done a Blog before, and now I can say I've done a Blog. Special thanks to those who've left comments, particularly Hubbs (A.K.A. Kelly, as in, "That dude over there? His name is Kelly.") whose movie review weblog Blogzilla inspired me to do a movie review blog of my own and is itself quite amusing. So to all of you random people out there looking from Blog to Blog, here's a link to my favorite:

http://blogzillas.blogspot.com/

Hubbs left the most comments, also, most of which were pointing out inaccuracies or general complaints. So if you catch a typo on his blog, please be sure to let him know. :P

I don't know how long they keep these things up without new posts, but I'll check back occassionally to see if there's any new comments, if you're a new or old reader with a bone to pick. There will not be any new entries, except maybe for Payback Time, if I ever finish making that movie. I can tell you this--Rule 1 be damned, it'll get an automatic six stars at least.

Happy New Year's Day, everybody. I hope 2005 is a good one for all of us.

--Tredekka.

Sweet & Suck Actors List

This goes along with Rules 3 & 4 listed below. There are a lot of actors who belong in either column, but were spared because I just never reviewed movies by them. For instance, if you doubt that Matt McCoy would earn any movie he's in -5 stars because he's a suck actor, may God have mercy on your soul. And James Gandolfini has to be worth at least two points to the good, doesn't he? But it's up to you to make your own list...

RULE 3: SUCK ACTOR PENALTY

-5 Stars
Jake Lloyd
Will Smith

-4 Stars
Taye Diggs
Kathy Griffin
Natalie Portman

-3 Stars
Brian Benben
Randy Quaid
Owen Wilson

-2 Stars
Michael Clarke Duncan
Gollum
Charlie Sheen

-1 Star
Ben Affleck
Drew Barrymore
Jim Carrey
Billy Ray Cyrus
Casper Van Dien
Macy Gray
Eddie Griffin
Heather Graham
John Leguizamo
John Lithgow
Alfred Molina
Giovanni Ribisi
Billy Zane

RULE 4: SWEET ACTOR BONUS

+1 Star
Christian Bale
Alec Baldwin
Clancy Brown
James Coburn
Charles Dance
Eric Da Re
Miguel Ferrer
Martin Freeman
Alec Guiness
Kevin Peter Hall
Dennis Hopper
Christopher Lee
Sheryl Lee
Michael Madsen
Jack Nicholson
Tom Noonan
Michael Parks
Stephen Rea
Alan Rickman
William Sadler
Kurtwood Smith
Kevin Spacey
Terrence Stamp
Brian Thompson
Jesse Ventura
David Warner
Naomi Watts
Ray Wise
Chow Yun-Fat

+2 Stars
Karen Allen
Gary Busey
Keith David
Vincent D'Onofrio

+3 Stars
Bruce Campbell
Al Leong
Michael Wincott

+4 Stars
Michael Ironside
Christopher Walken
Roddy Piper

+5 Stars
Trevor Goddard

The Portable Tredekka Rules

So what are the Tredekka Rules? A point-based system for grading movies, most giving a fixed value between one and five stars, and here compiled in one slim volume for the first time.

• Rule 1: No Movie Can Get More Than 5 Stars, Not Even Deadfall. (See Deadfall, first review)
• Rule 2: Any Movie With A Deadfall Alum Automatically Gets 2 Stars. +2 stars
• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty (1-5 depending on actor)
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus (1-5 depending on actor)
• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting. +1 point
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award (1-5 points)
• Rule 7: Cameo By Human Intestines. +1 point
• Rule 8: Any Movie With Hot Lesbian Kissing Automatically Gets 2 Stars
• Rule 9: Any David Lynch Movie Without Jack Nance, -1 Star.
• Rule 10: Dead Actor Penalty, AKA The Dust-Buster Clause (1-5 points)
• Rule 11: Giant Robots Make Good Cinema, +1 point.
• Rule 12: Dodged The Pretentious Bullet Award (1-5 points)
• Rule 13: Spawned A Shitty TV Series Penalty, -1 point.
• Rule 14: Cool Gun Award, +1 point
• Rule 15: Practise Makes Perfect (I Like It When Cops Practise On The Firing Range) +1 point
• Rule 16: The Paul Verhoeven "MORE BLOOD!" Award
• Rule 17: The "Don't Fuck With The Fourth Wall" Penalty
• Rule 18: The Two-Headed Calf Boobie Prize
• Rule 19: Narration Won't Save You, Bitches
• Rule 20: Don't Give Me A Headache.
• Rule 21: Theme This (Any Film Based On A Theme Park Attraction Loses Between 1 and 5 Points)
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award
• Rule 23: Master And Command Your Title, Stupid
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good.
• Rule 25: The Windy City Award (Any Movie Written By David Mamet Gets +1 star)
• Rule 26: All Prequels Suck. -5 points.
• Rule 27: The Trunk Sees All. Quentin Tarantino only.
• Rule 28: The "For The Kids!" Penalty
• Rule 29: Any Film Shorter Than 86 Minutes Is For Pussies
• Rule 30: Any Animated Film Gets A Pity Star For The Effort.
• Rule 31: Lightsabers Are Sweet
• Rule 32: William Hootkins = Blockbuster
• Rule 33: Any Documentary Gets A Pity Star For The Effort.
• Rule 34: The Superhero Movie Handicap, -1 star.
• Rule 35: Any David Lynch Movie with Jack Nance, +1 star
• Rule 36: The Unfair Game Rule: Any Movie Based On A Game Gets -1 Star.
• Rule 37: Any Film Directed By Joel Shitmaker, -1 star.
• Rule 38: The "Blind Me Now" Penalty: Any Film That Prominently Features A Naked Dude, -1 star
• Rule 39: Dystopian Futures Are Fun!
• Rule 40: I Love It When Americans Mouth Off To Nazis.
• Rule 41: Stick A Needle In My Eye--Minus 1 Star To Any Movie With A Shooting Up Scene.
• Rule 42: Any Movie With The Words "Episode" or "Special Edition" in its title gets -1 star.

I both pity and envy all the people out there who'll get to watch all six movies in order for the first time. Pity because they're cultural ignorants who will have all of the surprises ruined. Envy because most of those people will stop watching after the first prequel, and not have to suffer through the other two.

Star Wars: Episode III--Revenge of the Sith (ZERO STARS)

Just to prove the Tredekka System works, for the last review I wanted to review a movie before it came out and demonstrate once and for all that the Tredekka Rules are rules to live by. We all know the score anyway.

The Acting: Oh, just terrible. Wait, let me watch the trailer again to make sure...yeah, pretty bad. Actually, the two Sith look like they're having some fun, but that doesn't necessarily mean that we, the audience, will as well.

The Story: By the end of this movie, it will be perfectly obvious that Episode I shouldn't have existed (who gives a fuck what Vader's like as a boy? I don't care who conceived him, midichlorians, Watto, whatever)...and logically the events of Episode II should have been the start of the prequel trilogy, with Anakin already as an apprentice. Episode III is about Anakin becoming Vader, but will we get to see Vader "hunt down and destroy the jedi"? Not in a PG franchise, and not in Episode III. He shows up at the end, and that's about it. What a fucking waste of time, money, and fan hope the prequels were.

The Direction: Lucas isn't a director. He's a producer. And he directs like a producer--micromanaging, but with no sense of a big picture. All that shit in the Special Editions were directed by FX guys, and so are most of these prequel movies. That's not excusing him, that's condemning him for not having a firm hand at the till. What a shithead.

Overall: I'll see it once. I have to know for sure. But there ain't no hope for this series. Not anymore. After Episode II I was hoping Lucas might drop dead, and they'd let somebody else take over...but now that III is in the can except for pickups, even that eludes me. So assuming Tarantino doesn't direct any pick-up shots of Jar Jar in a trunk, or David Mamet does a rewrite, or that they dodge the pretentious bullet in a big way, here's the preliminary score...

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Natalie Portman, -4 stars. Unless she puts on an outer-space catholic school girl outfit and goes down on Mon Mothma while Beru gives her a rim job while some gungan with a camcorder jacks off in the corner, then she's only -3 stars.
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Christopher Lee, +1 star. Unless you can't make it, then R.I.P., yo.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--let's assume 1 point each goes to Hayden and Ian, based on the trailer. It still ain't gonna help.
• Rule 11: Giant Robots May Show Up, +1 star. And even if they do, it still ain't gonna help.
• Rule 17: The "Don't Fuck With The Fourth Wall" Penalty--you've earned it already with your awful, sub-Jumanji level CGI wookiees. Who animated their hair, Slinky Dog from Toy Story? -1 star.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--definitely will not go to the gay Frankenstein with little bitty-looking hands scene where Darth shows up in his suit. That is, as I explained earlier in the previous sentence, gay. -1 star.
• Rule 23: Master And Command Your Title, Stupid, -1 point.
• Rule 26: All Prequels Suck. -5 points. I know, -5 points is harsh for a broad generalization. But have you seen Missing In Action 2: The Beginning?
• Rule 30: Any Animated Film Gets A Pity Star For The Effort. +1 star. Won't help.
• Rule 31: Lightsabers Are Sweet +1 star. Won't help.
• Rule 42: Any Movie With The Words "Episode" or "Special Edition" in its title gets -1 star. Won't help, but hell, at this point it won't hurt any worse either. See ya May 19th.

Tredekka Score: (ZERO STARS)

Episode II. It's no picnic.

Star Wars: Episode II--Attack Of The Clones (ZERO STARS)

I watched these two Cleveland steamers back to back as research, and I have to say, there are times when Clones vaguely resembles a movie. So it's the winner. If you call zero stars a winner.

The Acting: I have two things to say about the acting. Well, three. Christopher Lee is too fucking cool to be in all of these shitty movies. Somebody please write a starring vehicle around him before he dies, okay? (And the fact that they left his character alive to be in the sequel--at his age--is quite a testament to Lucas's faith in CGI to fix any problem). Secondly, Natalie Portman. She sucks. Her nipples do all the acting. The only reason we can't tell how bad she sucks in the first movie is because Jake Lloyd is sucking all the chrome off of a chrome cock over in the corner. What does that mean? I don't know. But you know it to be true. Now, last. Hayden Christensen. For one thing, I am not a Christian Star Wars fan, and I don't appreciate references to Christ in the credits. I know that Amidala and Vader mention "praying" and that Han says, "I'll see you in Hell!" but Lucas, if you've found Jesus, keep it to yourself. As for the performance, I just want to say...that it is brilliant. Hayden sucks, don't get me wrong...but watch this movie and try to imagine the real Darth Vader and Jake Lloyd morphed into one being, and you have Hayden. So in that sense, it's the most brilliant portrayal of another actor's character since River Phoenix in Indy 3. Actually, the maori kid playing Boba Fett makes me laugh every time I hear his evil laugh, but it breaks my heart that Jake and Beth from Once Were Warriors have such a hollow reunion in this movie. Temuera Morrisson and Rena Owen deserve better.

The Story: Gone are the midi-chlorians, but there's still a glancing mention of that prophecy thing. But the writing is for shit. Remember all that blathering purple dialogue Hayden spouts--about wounds, scars, agony and torment? All he had to do is ask Natalie Portman if she still had that Chipor Snippet thing he gave her in Episode I, and her pussy would've gotten all wet and the audience would be spared all that crappy dialogue. That Chipor Snippet thing was actually the one GOOD piece of writing about Anakin in Episode I, because I was like, "Okay, they'll bring that back and that's how he'll get in Amidala's good graces" or whatever. But no. 1999 was like, way back then, they can't be expected to remember ages-old continuity like that. Then you've got Dooku. Count Dooku claims to be the most powerful of all Jedi, and I can't argue with him. For fuck's sake, he--in one hour--took down three of the four Jedi who survive the holocaust of the Clone Wars. Vader, Yoda, and Obi-Wan, all fought to a fucking standstill by one guy. And he's the APPRENTICE?? Ian McDiarmid, you better have your arms and legs played by Jet Li, Philip Kwok, Chow Yun-Fat and Tony Leung in Episode III, or there's no way you can live up to the Master role.

The Direction: Explain to me how the CGI can look worse in the second movie than it did in the first? Better yet, let me explain. The director decided to increase the volume, and decrease the time to do it in. It's that simple. IDIOT!!!

Overall: Episode II needed to be miraculously good to save the prequel trilogy. It wasn't. And Episode III promises to bring balance to the force, by which I mean make Star Wars exactly as good in toto as Star Trek. In fact, taken as a whole, Trek may now be better. Ugh. That's a sad, sad thought.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 3: Natalie Portman Sucks So Bad She Gets -4 Stars. Believe it. Keep pressin' that magic button, Natalie. Keep pressin' that magic button.
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Christopher Lee, +1 star.
• Rule 11: Giant Robots Make Good Cinema, +1 point.
• Rule 17: The "Don't Fuck With The Fourth Wall" Penalty--goes to the Yoda fight. I'll accept that Yoda knows how to fight. I'll accept that he uses a lightsaber, like most Jedi. I'll even accept that he does little flips and shit to make up for his size. But that Kung Fu posturing he does at the beginning has got to belong somewhere in the crown jewel of the great movie junkheap of unbelievable shit somewhere. Probably Cleveland, near the Rock 'N Roll hall of fame. -1 star.
• Rule 23: Master And Command Your Title, Stupid, -1 star
• Rule 30: Any Animated Film Gets A Pity Star For The Effort. +1 star.
• Rule 31: Lightsabers Are Sweet, +1 star.
• Rule 42: Any Movie With The Words "Episode" or "Special Edition" in its title gets -1 star.

Tredekka Score: (ZERO STARS)

This scene--and the accompanying soundtrack by John Williams--are probably the only two aspects of this movie with any merit. But it's still a painful parade of squandered potential.

Star Wars: Episode I--The Phantom Menace (ZERO STARS)

Always save the best for last. Or is it, save the worst for first?

The Acting: Uh...

The Story: Midi-chlorians.

The Direction: Fuck.

Overall: Fuck!!

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Natalie Portman, -4 stars--Jake Lloyd, - 5 stars. YOU SUCK!!!
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Terrence Stamp, +1 star
• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting, unless you're Boss Nass, in which case you get nothing. That's not so much spitting, as indiscriminately spraying saliva everywhere.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to Jar Jar. Let's face it, this movie is a giant turd. But Jar Jar and Watto are the two actors most at home with this material. Everyone else looks bored or embarassed. +1 star.
• Rule 11: Giant Robots Make Good Cinema, yeah, sort of, +1 star.
• Rule 23: Master And Command Your Title, Stupid, -1 star.
• Rule 26: All Prequels Suck. -5 points.
• Rule 28: The "For The Kids!" Penalty--goes to George Lucas's parents. For having kids. I'm sorry, did that come out sounding ungrateful?
• Rule 30: Any Animated Film Gets A Pity Star For The Effort. Say what you will. The prequels are just cartoons.
• Rule 31: Lightsabers Are Sweet, +1 star
• Rule 42 (NEW RULE): Any Movie With The Words "Episode" or "Edition" in its title gets -1 star. That way, even the phony DVD editions with the Hayden Christiansen ghost and all that other shit get punished too. You'll notice that my other Star Wars reviews use only their original theatrical titles, not this "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark" style revisionist history bullshit. Fuck you Special Editions, and fuck you Platinum Editions, too. To quote Bill Hicks, the mere fact of your existence is like a turd dropping into my drink.

Tredekka Score: (ZERO STARS)

*Hhhkkkhh....chhhh* There you have it, Tredekka Readers...the Top Ten. And now...*Hhhkkkkh...chhhh* join ME for the final wrap-up!

The Tredekka Top Ten...#1

Die Bart Die! (That means, "the Bart the" in German, and no one who speaks German could be evil.) I should ask Hopkins who tastes better, the dude he's poking with a stick in this scene or Ray Liotta. Mmm...Liotta.

The Edge ( * * * * * )

I remember telling my friend Eric (who introduced me to David Mamet when he showed me Glengarry) that I'd seen a movie poster that looked like a great cast. And he got really excited, until he learned that "The Edge" from U2 wasn't actually in it.

The Acting: Anthony Hopkins is world famous for playing a great villain/anti-hero in of Silence of the Lambs, but here he plays another smart resourceful character who happens to be good. Originally entitled "Bookworm" he plays Charles Morse, a billionaire with his own plane and Elle McPherson as his well-cast supermodel wife. He reads voraciously and retains a lot of facts but can find no practical use for them. Until he's stranded in the wilds with his wife's photographer and his assistant and they meet Bart the Bear, a vicious mankiller with the taste of human flesh. Harold Perrineau has since been typecast as the token black guy who survives a plane crash and later hurts his leg (see ABC's Lost) and the fact that he's absent from many of the scenes in the trailer seems to suggest he's bear-food, which he of course is. You almost have to admire them for having the token black guy die first, a horror tradition on the wane in Hollywood, even back in 1997. Alec Baldwin, who had a part in Glengarry Glen Ross specifically written for him, is pitch perfect as the "other man" Bob, a scheming fashion photographer who, along with Hopkins, has to survive hunger, the elements, and a man-eating bear--as well as each other.

The Story: I'm not sure why but I love this story. I have a soft spot in my heart for survivalist stories, and I love sharks and often enjoy shark movies. This, to me, is the ultimate shark movie/survivalist story, even though it has no sharks, only a bear, and isn't just about surviving the wilds, but one's own nature. David Mamet is a god of writing, and this was probably his first movie that was distinctly unplaylike, that really played up to the strengths of the medium. I love the footage of Alaska, and I think my heart belongs to the mountains and lakes of the Pacific Northwest and areas that look like that, dating back from my youth where I would summer at a cabin in McCall, Idaho. I've sometimes wondered if I'm swayed towards liking movies that have guys who look like my dad, such as Alec Guiness in Star Wars and Anthony Hopkins in this film, but I doubt that's a major factor. My favorite scene is the one in which the two survivors realize that they're being methodically hunted and have to kill the bear, so Hopkins tosses Baldwin his knife and makes him repeat three times "I'm gonna kill the bear" and then he makes his repeat three times "what one man can do another can do!" Then, feeling that Baldwin's character is sufficiently pumped up for their suicidal plan, Hopkins adds with relish, "Good, cuz today, I'm a-gonna kill the motherfucker." If you're ever lost in the woods, bring a copy of this on DVD with you to get you through it. I'm not sure what good that would do without a player, but better safe than sorry.

The Direction: Lee Tamahori is a Maori director who discovered Temuera Morrisson when he cast him as Jake The Muss in the great New Zealand film Once Were Warriors, one of the most emotionally powerful films I've ever seen. The Edge has a lot of raw emotion too, but almost none of the depressing pathos. Everything is perfectly managed, from the tricky bear fights to the gorgeous locations to the rich, rewarding acting performances. After shitty Mulholland Falls, his first U.S. feature, I thought Tamahori was one of these directors like John Woo who couldn't survive in the Hollywood system, but here I was proved wrong.

Overall: Taste is by definition subjective, but this film has everything I value in movies--incredible visual style, a story with stakes that continue to grow almost all the way up to the end, and memorable heroes and villains. Bart the Bear, I honestly think, without a trace of hyperbole, should have been considered for best supporting actor. When he sticks out his lower lip menacingly, he is fucking insane. And Anthony Hopkins plays a character with high intellect, courage and integrity that is unlike any other I've seen. One reviewer who just didn't get it called him an "emotional cipher." But like the character Bob that reviewer didn't see past the exterior of a rich older white man, who himself often admonishes others to "never feel sorry for a man who has his own plane." By the end, his selflessness could be said to approach sainthood, but the credits roll just in time. This is my favorite movie.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 1: No Movie Can Get More Than 5 Stars, Not Even Deadfall. Be Careful of the Deadfall, Bob. (Yes, after all of these reviews, I can finally review a movie with the word "deadfall" said in it.)
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Alec Baldwin, +1 star.
• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting--what is it about Mamet movies and their one drop of spit? +1 star. Ahh...rule 5. You so dumb.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--Oh yeah, baby, all FIVE stars go to Bart the Bear. Don't tell me he wasn't acting up a storm in this movie, I don't give a shit if he is just a bear in the woods. +5 stars.
• Rule 12: Dodged The Pretentious Bullet Award--and not the easy way, either. This movie deals with big issues of mankind, survival, fidelity, bravery, honor...and pulls it off by being big enough of a movie to tackle those issues head on, through character development and not diatribes. +1 star.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--when Bart shows up, you know things are going to get bad. Some birds also have a pretty cool, not to mention bloody, entrance on the propeller of the plane, in the birdstrike scene that fucks up their day to begin with. +1 point.
• Rule 25: The Windy City Award--Any Movie Written By David Mamet Gets +1 star. I wish I could write lines like, "Grrrr! Rarrr!!"

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * * )

The Tredekka Top Ten...#2

"...My backpack's got jets...I'm Boba the Fett...I bounty hunt for Jabba Hutt to finance...my Vette..."

The Empire Strikes Back ( * * * * * )

I hated this movie when I was five. Even after those great snowspeeder cockpit POV scenes where it felt like you really were skimming across the surface of the ice planet and the giddy asteroid chase and all the rest of it, I walked out of the theater griping about that awful Yoda and the horrible ending. I think what I really hated was that it did end, just when things were looking up. Of course, I had no conception what a cliffhanger was, but the whole thing was dark and unsatisfying. I saw it at some mall while visiting my dad and I remember playing with the new Luke Skywalker toy later that afternoon at his house, and being impressed that it had a real lightsaber, not some crappy lightsaber that retracted into his arm. Some things never change--I'm still in favor of non-retractable toy lightsabers. But some things do change, and for years (until around 1997) Empire was my favorite movie. All the more so because it didn't feel like a kid's movie, it felt like a real drama with real consequences and characters you cared about.

The Acting: Hamill gets overlooked, but he's actually quite good as an overwhelmed, overmatched hero who suffers and nearly dies for a cause he barely understands, yet feels he must be loyal to, that of restoring the Jedi. Harrisson Ford is the real star of Empire, though, as a severely overwhelmed, severely overmatched hero who knows he's falling in love, but is being bounced from crisis to crisis with increasing velocity, and barely has time to save his own skin. Carrie Fisher as Leia balances arch royal bitchiness with heroic vulnerability, but I'm not sure how--she must have had a good script or something. Oh, wait, she did. And the supporting players--Chewie, R2, C-3P0 and the men behind Vader--certainly do their parts with great timing and even conviction. Not all the bit players are up to snuff (like that cardboard-sounding dude talking about the evacuation on Hoth) but what the hell. It makes the mains better by contrast. And Yoda, I love you now. Sorry for all the harsh words, am I. Ya little piss pot.

The Story: The great advantage of trilogies is that you can make three types of movies you normally couldn't make, and it's never really been done right, though the original Star Wars Trilogy comes closest. You can have a first movie that sets the stage, creates a fascinating environment, and make a big Origin Story without having to wrap everything up. Star Wars did that well (though the first Matrix did it even better, on a stricly origin story level.) At the end you can have a Climactic Battle without fussing with the whys and wherefores. Jedi did that well in the space battles, but there was too much Endor baggage to call it a true victory. But what the original Star Wars Trilogy did perfect was the middle part--the Character Movie. Empire is all about good characters--and it has time to really develop them, because you've met them before and their happy or unhappy ending comes later. That's why the Lord of the Rings trilogy sucked, because the middle movie wasn't a character movie at all, it was a combination Origin Story for a bunch of new characters and a Final Battle movie, too, for some of the same. It's going to be more and more common for trilogies to replace single-story movies because it's more profitable for the studios to make movies with numbers at the end of the titles. But they should take a page from Empire and see that to make a sequel truly good, you've got to play to the strengths inherent in where it falls in the trilogy. If you don't, you're just copying off the first one, which is why Lethal Weapon 1, 2, 3, 4 are all roughly the same. Or you could go the other route, and have every movie different and unrelated to each other, like the Alien "Quadrilogy" ("quadrilogy" isn't a word, by the way--four would be a tetralogy) or the Muppet movies. Oh, well. Empire has better aliens and muppets anyway.

The Direction: Lucas didn't write it, and he didn't direct it, and it's the movie I respect him the most for. Lawrence Kasdan and female sci-fi novelist Leigh Brackett wrote an exceptional script, and virtual unknown Irvin Kershner (who did some movie called "Loving" or something before this) puts actors before effects, but still oversees some kick-ass effects. I remember hearing that it took eight weeks to make one landspeeder blow up in the background of one shot. I believe it. In fact, I believe everything I see in this movie, because it's grounded in reality, unlike the bad CG cartoons that the new trilogy have given us.

Overall: Why is my eye fooled by old effects more than CGI? Something about the jerkiness of CGI, or the colors that never synch up right (they always look pale and muted. I compare them to the scenes in the old He-Man cartoon where he comes up on a pile of five rocks, and you know he's going to pick up the pale one). Anyway, I miss the old school Star Wars, and would encourage everyone out there to find illegal bootlegs of the original trilogy and not pay Lucas another dime, because he has no artistic vision and his revised versions of his movie are going to keep changing anyway. It's funny to hear him talk about his "original vision" and then I try to apply that term to the Greedo scene where so far he has shot first, shot last, and tied Han. Maybe next time they'll play sabacc for his ship or something--or Greedo will try to shoot, but he'll have a radio instead. If George Lucas ever talks about his "original vision" and he's within hitting distance, throw a rock at his fat beardy head.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 1: No Movie Can Get More Than 5 Stars, Not Even Deadfall. Or The Empire Strikes Back.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--Harrisson is awesomely beleagured in this movie. His mantra of "It's not my fault!" comes off as surprisingly heartfelt. Plus, he let them freeze him in carbonite, and that must have been cold. +1 star.
• Rule 7: Cameo By Tauntaun Intestines, +1 star.
• Rule 11: Giant Robots Make Good Cinema--I know, AT-AT walkers are supposed to be all terrain attack transports. But they've got legs and a head and they're robots. I'm not stupid. Shut up. +1 star.
• Rule 14: Cool Gun Award--goes to that blaster that popped out of the Millennium Falcon to mow down those snowtroopers. Talk about kick ass. Now why doesn't Chewie carry around that machine gun? +1 star.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--"Mine! Mine! Or I will help you not!" +1 star.
• Rule 31: Lightsabers Are Sweet, +1 star. But Tauntaun guts are sweeter. Not literally.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * * )

The Tredekka Top Ten...#3

"You call yourself a salesman you son of a bitch?"

Glengarry Glen Ross ( * * * * * )

"A.B.C. A--Always. B--Be. C--Closing. Always be closing. 'Always be closing'." And so we come to number three on the Tredekka Top Ten, which fortunately is more forgiving than the company run by Mitch and Murray, because third prize isn't "you're fired." Third prize is, what an unbelievably kick-ass movie.

The Acting: Lemmon, Pacino, Baldwin, Arkin, Spacey, Harris, Pryce. When I saw the trailer for this I joked, "If only they had a good cast I might go and see it." But I didn't even see it until it came to video. My friend Eric called me and said, "There's a movie I think you should see."

The Story: a group of salesman are told in harsh terms by Alec Baldwin that the sales contest has changed this month--first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Everyone else gets fired, which looks ugly for Alan Arkin's character, who has only $2000 on the "Cadillac Board" and especially for Jack Lemmon, who's on a cold streak. Meanwhile, Al Pacino redefines the soft sell by getting a stranger drunk in a bar and pretending to philosophize about life for a couple of hours, softening him up for the eventual sales pitch. Ed Harris, who is a perpetual motion device of fury as Dave Moss, hatches a scheme to rob the office and sell the premium Glengarry leads to Jerry Graff "across the street." And Kevin Spacey makes a name for himself acting as browbeaten office manager John Williamson, who costars in two or three of the best character dialogue duets I've ever seen.

The Direction: There was a brief but dark period of Hollywood cinema where volcano movies started to come out of the woodworks, but none can match the explosive fury of James Foley directing Al Pacino's rage after a sale is shot by an errant remark by Williamson, who gets called by Al and Jack Lemmon everything from fairy, company man, child, cocksucker, whitebread, scum and asshole in a riveting pair of scenes that cap a fucking brilliant movie.

Overall: It's odd, but I think this may be the only movie I've seen where no one is likeable yet everyone is loveable. Did I mention the play won a Pulitzer Prize? But it should've won a Nobel Prize, because Alfred Nobel invented dynamite.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 1: No Movie Can Get More Than 5 Stars, Not Even Deadfall. Or Glengarry Glen Ross.
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Alec Baldwin, +1 star--Kevin Spacey, +1 star.
• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting--yes, there's one droplet--I can award it! Ha ha ha! +1 star.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--if I could, I would give +5 stars each to Spacey, Lemmon, Pacino, Baldwin, and Harris. But I'll have to settle for +1 star each instead.
• Rule 12: Dodged The Pretentious Bullet Award--the robbery mid-film really shakes things up, and suddenly the movie you think you're watching becomes a different, even better, movie. I love it. +1 star.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--"Put that coffee DOWN!" +1 star to Alec Baldwin.
• Rule 23: Master And Command Your Title, Stupid--pretty hard to remember, so -1 star. By the way, if I'd ever reviewed Master And Commander: The Far Side of the World, it probably would get -1 star from this rule, too. Probably.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * * )

The Tredekka Top Ten...#4

I don't believe in gangsters from the 1930's or any of that shit--I respect human life--but if I could be any ganster in the 1930s, it would be Mickey and Mallory. I mean, Leo and Tom.

Miller's Crossing ( * * * * * )

The Coen Brothers have made a lot of great movies over the years (and only since Hudsucker Proxy have any of them been stinkers) but to me this is the greatest. Because no two Coen brothers movies are alike--and most seem to exist in a genre of their own--they have become their own genre. That's a neat trick, if you can pull it off.

The Acting: Everybody's great. Really. Especially Gabriel Byrne, who is cooler than cool.

The Story: To describe this as a mob movie doesn't really do it justice, but that's basically what it is. It's like a mob movie from an alternate universe, though, with its own physics and terminologies ("high hat", "Yegg" and "twist" come to mind). I had to watch this a few times as a kid to figure out who did what to whom. Rarely are such complex character interrelationships found outside a novel.

The Direction: Joel and Ethan made a manly movie about men and their hats. The name comes from the central location of the movie--both chronologically, emotionally, and possibly geographically as well--where a key hit doesn't take place. The characters are all distinctly different, original, and motivated by their internal drives, not by the phony requirements of the plot.

Overall: For the record, the scene where Albert Finney's house is attacked and he defends his life with a Thompson Gun to the tune of "Danny Boy" is my all-time favorite scene in any movie, but that's only one reason Miller's Crossing ranks so high on my list. There just isn't a not-great scene in the whole movie.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--to John Polito as ethics-obsessed psychopath Johnny Caspar. +2 stars. He follows the line "ALWAYS PUT ONE IN THE BRAIN!" with genial advice about shaving in cold water in the very next scene. Also, +2 stars to Gabriel Byrne, who plays with astonishing honesty a character who does nothing but lie.
• Rule 16: The Paul Verhoeven "More Blood!" Award--goes to the Danny Boy scene, and the dude with the chandelier. You know the one. +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * * )

The Tredekka Top Ten...#5

The "Hot-Handed God of Cops" at work in a signature John Woo scene. I think the John Woo formula goes, "A little romance, a little humor, two guns and some pidgeons."

Hard Boiled ( * * * * * )

"You're so full of crap--there's the John--all RIGHT?" Okay, Mametian dialogue it isn't, but it is "an action lover's dream come true" as it said on the rental box and I declare it to be the best action movie ever made.

The Acting: Chow Yun-Fat is a world-renowned movie star, but it's a truism that until you get used to seeing members of a different ethnic group, they do all kind of look alike. I was bewildered when I first saw this movie, because I hadn't ever seen an all-Asian cast before that I could remember. I didn't know who was killing who, but the body count was high enough where that became the focus anyway. Not that I'm complaining. I loved it. And by the end of the movie, I was a fan of Alan (Tony Leung) and Tequila (Chow Yun-Fat) and their intense performances (even if I didn't recall their names right away). Philip Kwok as Mad Dog was the most exciting villain to behold since Boba Fett in 1980. All of this was aided by the absolutely necessary English dub, the British-sounding vocal delivery of which is often deleriously funny.

The Story: See, that's where Hard Boiled shines. They don't fuck around with drugs or any boring crimes in this movie. The bad guy is a gunrunner. Therefore, there are always guns around in every scene. You think about that. It's brilliant! When I rented this I had no idea who anyone in it was, or who John Woo was, or any of that shit. I rented it cold because the box said it was an action lover's dream come true, and I was a little curious to see how it could compare to the comic book "Hard Boiled"--which is my favorite "action comic" if that makes any sense (and if you know who Geof Darrow is, then it probably does). I watched it with my two roomates, and we joked after the tea house battle that they'd just blown their budget. It was a funny joke, but we kept watching. Then we joked after the factory battle (which has some amazing stunts, and the kick-ass image of Mad Dog lighting a cigarette on a burning car) that NOW surely they've blown their budget. But then...the movie inexplicably kept kicking ass...and by the time they get to the hospital...we're thinking, shit, anything could happen. And then the babies. They never put babies in danger in American movies. It's just not done. And the scene with Tequila making the baby smile is one of the cutest things ever, yet it's mercilessly inserted into the most brutal action set piece ever filmed. Because of our race-goggles we weren't sure if Alan had survived at the end, and I'm still not sure which ending I ultimately prefer--the real ending, or the one I THOUGHT I saw. All I know is, Tequila's a damn good shot. What a mind-blowing movie.

The Direction: This was John Woo's last Hong Kong movie, and it may well be about Hong Kong returning to China. I wonder if he would compare that situation to a hospital being run by crime lords today.

Overall: I've seen a bunch of other Woo movies, but I was spoiled by seeing this one first. Of his others I would recommend Bullet In The Head, The Killer, and A Better Tomorrow II, but avoid A Better Tomorrow and any of his U.S. work except Face/Off. But you don't need me to tell you to avoid a Jean Claude Van Damme movie.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Chow Yun-Fat, +1 star.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--Tony Leung and Chow Yun-Fat, +1 star each.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--Mad Dog on his bike. Nuff Said. +1 star.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good, +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * * )

The Tredekka Top Ten...#6

The true meaning of Christmas is keep your shoes on in case of a terrorist attack, always taunt your enemies, keep a clip with at least two bullets taped to your back, love thy neighbor, and don't rappel off the side of a building using only a firehose unless you really, really have to.

Die Hard ( * * * * * )

Best American action movie.

The Acting: Alan Rickman rules the world as a vicious, but exceptional, thief. Willis erases the scarlet letters TV off his chest as everyman John McClane, a regular guy in an insanely dangerous situation. When he's tying a firehose around his waist in preparation for a suicidal leap off a forty-story tall building, he does what anyone in that situation would realistically do: he asks himself, "What the fuck are you doing, John?!" And anyone who doesn't sympathize with him as he plucks bloody chunks of glass from his bare feet is a heartless monster. Speaking of which, Alexander Gudonov plays the indestructible euro-terrorist, and Bonnie Bedelia the estranged, world-wary wife who still loves Willis. William Atherton, not satisfied to play the biggest jerk in the world in Ghostbusters, here plays the biggest jerk ever. And then there's Reggie V. Poor Reggie V.

The Story: Terrorists seize Nakatomi Plaza--and it's up to the L.A.P.D., the F.B.I., the TV media and an asshole named Ellis to impede the efforts of the one man in a position to do anything about it. This script was unrealistic on so many levels, yet super-realistic on so many others. It was action movie realism at its finest, thanks to the script by Steven E. De Sousa and Jeb Stuart. This movie was copied by every scriptwriter in Hollywood, including, eventually, those two original scriptwriters themselves. Die Hard has entered the lexicon as part of any high concept pitch now: "Die Hard on a Boat," "Die Hard in Space," etc. In fact, it's been so copied, I plan on writing a movie using only dialogue from Die Hard, but scrambled up to form a new plot, called Air Hedd.

The Direction: John McTiernan's Predator is another action highlight of the period. And I love those flaring lights of his from the old panavision lenses. He described this as a horror movie where the protagonist is the monster, and the bad guys are the ones trying to accomplish something. And as McClane picks them off, and the genius of their plan comes more and more into light, you find it's fun to root for both sides.

Overall: What a great holiday movie. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 1: No Movie Can Get More Than 5 Stars, Not Even Deadfall. Or Die Hard.
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Alan Rickman, +1 star--Al Leong, +3 stars.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--Rickman deserves +2 stars for playing the most suavely evil villain ever, Hans Gruber.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good, +1 star. Especially if they get glass all over people. Then again, who gives a shit about glass?

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * * )

The Tredekka Top Ten...#7

They went to Jackrabbit Slims for a good square meal. This is the dumbest special effect in an otherwise good movie since all of Phantom Menace.

Pulp Fiction ( * * * * * )

I saw this 11 1/2 times in the theater (once I had to leave because my roommate was tripping) and I think I laughed with sinister delight each time. But nothing beats the first time, when everyone's laughing (and it's not, by the way, a comedy) and looking at their friends like, "Are we really seeing this movie?" Is it the best movie of the 1990's? If not, it's damn close. It's sure as fuck better than that piece of shit Forrest Gump.

The Acting: This is the movie that made Samuel L. Jackson a star, and John Travolta a star again. Bruce Willis solidified his indie cred, and Ving Rhames made a name for himself. But you can't help but benefit from being in a movie like Fiction.

The Story: As with most Tarantino movies, it's not what the movie is about, but how it's about it. He takes a chronologically twisted, novelistic approach to the pulp material, and makes one character the protagonist in one section, an ancillary character in another, and an antagonist in yet another, particularly Vincent Vega (Travolta). But all of the stories are about redemption, and how the characters grab their chance, or don't. There's more to be said, but entire film classes have deconstructed this movie frame-by-frame, and I'm not willing to be quite that thorough.

The Direction: Not bad for a sophomore effort. It made, like, 100 million dollars, which for a Miramax film, an indie film, was at the time unheard of. Quentin Tarantino has since shown himself to be inconsistent (Jackie Brown was, at best, average, and my mixed reviews of the two Kill Bill installments are listed somewhere below) but he is still an exciting voice and a director who only does what he passionately believes in, as opposed to, say, almost any of the rest of them out there working today.

Overall: My favorite story is "The Gold Watch" about Bruce Willis's character, and my favorite scene is the one where he decides what kind of hero he wants to be: Casey Jones, Leatherface, or Toshiro Mifune.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 1: No Movie Can Get More Than 5 Stars, Not Even Deadfall. Or Pulp Fiction.
• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Kathy Griffin, -4 stars.
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Christopher Walken, +4 stars.
• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting, +1 star for Willis and Rhames, who suffered and drooled together.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--I give +5 stars distributed however you'd like to the actors in the heart-stopping needle scene.
• Rule 16: The Paul Verhoeven "More Blood!" Award--goes to the scene where Marvin gets shot in the fucking face. +1 star. The glistening brain matter inside the glistening jheri curl really made it work for me.
• Rule 27: The Trunk Sees All, +1 star for Quentin Tarantino's signature scene.
• Rule 41 (NEW RULE): Stick A Needle In My Eye--Minus 1 Star To Any Movie With A Shooting Up Scene.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * * )

The Tredekka Top Ten...#8

Get ready for an ass-kicking, ball-dropping, ball-kicking good time.

Strange Days ( * * * * * )

I saw this at the University of Georgia Tate Theater in Athens for free with a bunch of friends back in the mid-nineties, before the general release. Now it's 2004 (almost 2005) and I'm still waiting for my "other-people's-memory" Juliette Lewis porn. C'mon, Steve Jobs, get crackin'.

The Acting: What a great cast, led by Ralph Fiennes, whose name is pronounced weird. Angela Bassett plays the token single mother-turned-badass limo driver/bodyguard, who carries a torch for Lenny Nero (Fiennes) who in turn is still in love with Juliette Lewis, who may or may not love a music mogul played by the gravel-voiced Michael Wincott, or even Lenny's best friend, Tom Sizemore. But it gets better, because an old acquaintance, a hooker named Iris (who is ironically given the name, being the sole eyewitness to a horrific crime) is being hunted down by the cops "Robo"Steckler (the great Vincent D'Onofrio) and Engelman (William Fichtner).

The Story: The city is rocked by the death of rapper Jericho One (Glenn Plummer) on the eve of New Years Eve 2000, the biggest party in the history of the world, and set against this apocalyptic fin-de-siecle backdrop is ex-L.A. cop-turned sleazy memory peddler Fiennes, using a technology called S.Q.U.I.D. (Superconducting QuantUm Interference Device) to sell other people's experiences for profit. When a mysterious "fan" drops him a memory of an illegal blackjack tape featuring a murder he'd committed, things get nasty, and Fiennes turns to his best friend Mace (Bassett) for help, because as he gets closer to the fan killer, he comes to realize that if the awful truth behind Jericho One's murder comes to light it could lead to city-wide riots so bad "they'll see the smoke from Canada."

The Direction: There are a million twists and turns, and anchoring all of the bedazzling (but never bewildering) changes of perspective (including a bunch of immaculately filmed first person POV footage that astonishes in its ambition) is Kathryn Bigelow, director and ex-wife of James Cameron, who wrote the screen story. They also co-created the underestimated Point Break (which Cameron ghost wrote) and she remains the cinema's best female director. Her strong visual style accompanies a lean storytelling sense in this thrilling epic of personal redemption.

Overall: Not having a date or any parties to go to, I was going to watch this movie on New Year's Eve 2000, but I went to bed early instead. I still find that sad on many levels. But then I think of Michael Wincott's legendary line from this film ("The only time a whore should open her mouth is when she's giving head") and it cheers me up every time. This film also generated a highly varied and interesting soundtrack, which hopefully one day soon I will listen to in my flying jet car.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 1: No Movie Can Get More Than 5 Stars, Not Even Deadfall. Or Strange Days.
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Vincent ("CONAN? Conan was the damndest bastard there ever was!") D'Onofrio, +2 stars--Michael ("Caw! Caw! BANG! Oh fuck, I'm dead!") Wincott, +3 stars.
• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting--Ralph gets +1 star. D'Onofrio has an excellent scene where he gets blood all over his face, but he doesn't get squat in terms of points. Probably bad karma from doing Law & Order: Criminal Intent.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--goes to the mysterious killer's opening scene, which involves "a little B & E action" followed by the most fucked-up rape/murder scene yet given us by speculative fiction. It's hard to describe, so you'll have to see it for yourself if you haven't already. +1 star.
• Rule 39: Dystopian Near-Futures Are Fun!--you may laugh now, but when 1997 gets here...oh, wait, that was the year of Predator 2. Anyway, just try to imagine a Los Angeles where cops commit crimes and vice runs rampant. Then imagine that everything from The Matrix to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind rips it off because they figure no one will notice. And you have Strange Days. +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * * )

The Tredekka Top Ten...#9

One picture alone can't do this movie justice, but this is one of my favorites. Wait, that's not funny. Shit. Fucking Hopi indians, with your depressing music. Turn that shit down!

Koyaanisqatsi ( * * * * * )

You have seen part of this movie. Maybe not the whole thing, or even a trailer, but if you've ever seen time-elapsed photography on TV, they probably ganked a scene or two from this film. Made for Bell Labs and released in 1983, and culling over 8 years of footage, Koyaanisqatsi is a movie unlike any other...yes, even unlike its awful sequels Powaqqatsi and Naqoyqatsi, also by monk-turned-director Godfrey Reggio. It is a documentary with no narration that nevertheless captures the scope of our planet's complex, trying existence and man's "life out of balance" on it. There are two types of Koyaanisqatsi viewers, those who watch it in rapt awe the first time, and those who openly blabber about "What city is that?" and "is that Death Valley?" because it has no conventional actors, plot or dialogue to interrupt. Koyaanisqatsi (pronounced COY-on-UH-scot-see) is not even a real word, but a word devised by Godfrey Reggio based on the Hopi language to mean, variously, "Life out of balance" and "a way of life that calls for another way of living" among other shades of meaning.

The Acting: Well, some people clearly get photographed without prior knowledge, and judging by the looks on some of their faces, didn't stick around to fill out any consent forms. There's not acting in a tangible sense, but people are asked to pose for the camera at various times. Mostly people are seen in slow-mo or time-elapsed crowd scenes.

The Story: While there's no literal narrative, there are themes that, when understood, have the capicty to squeegee the third eye about human existence, the truth of fractals and chaos theory, and you find yourself thinking things like, "You know, cities really are just big organisms, and the cars are the bloodstreams..." and "clouds look just like water at that speed" and "computer chips are just tiny city blocks" and shit like that. Or, you can just laugh at the hubris of Seventies clothing, or cheer at epic scenes of buildings being demolished, planes dropping bombs, television sets exploding and men in lab coats tending time-lapsed hotdogs like surgeons operating. Ever wanted to see a twinkie factory? Check. Ever wanted to go spelunking in a place where a bat's wing catches a ray of light through a donut-shaped hole in the roof of a cave? Check. Or just watch a nun sipping water in a mall at a thousand miles per hour? Check. There's a mind-boggling array of images to absorb in this film, and it's relevance is not restricted to any time or culture. Anyone in the world can watch it and come away with the same feeling. It's the story of the world.

The Director: Godfrey Reggio came from a Christian order of monks where he left regular society for most of his adult life and as such came to this film with a truly objective view. It is a haunting film of immense complexity, made supercharged and steamlined by a Phillip Glass soundtrack.

Overall: The cinematographer Ron Fricke went on to make the documentary Baraka, which was superior to Reggio's follow-up films, but in a different category altogether from this one. There's nothing else like Koyaanisqatsi, and there never will be. Thanks to Cliff Biggers, who screened this movie in his creative writing class, which is where I first saw it many years ago.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--in a very real sense, the backgrounds of most movies become the subject of this one, and they steal the show. +2 stars go to Mother Nature. Now show us your tits. (It's a seventies movie, come on.)
• Rule 12: Dodged The Pretentious Bullet Award--this movie is like that cave on Dagobah; what you find there depends entirely on what you bring to the viewing. +1 star.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good, +1 star. They blows ups all kinds of shit.
• Rule 29: Any Film Shorter Than 86 Minutes Is For Pussies...good thing this is 87 Minutes.
• Rule 33: Any Documentary Gets A Pity Star For The Effort. +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * * )

The Tredekka Top Ten...#10

If this movie were made today, it would probably be Clive Owen or Nick Stahl freaking out in a Barnes & Noble. Just wouldn't be the same, would it? I wouldn't like that one bit. Not oooooone bit.

They Live ( * * * * * )

Me and some guys met Roddy Piper at DragonCon a while back, and he was a class-act all around. My friend Jason bought some sunglasses for him to sign, and Roddy acted like nobody had ever thought of that before, then started acting out a scene from this movie, play wrestling with his convention assistant, saying, "It's hard to get people to try these things on." He only fucked with the guy for a couple of seconds, which was a good thing for the assistant since he was a skinny white dude who couldn't survive a five minute brawl with Rowdy Roddy anyway. This is a man who has been stabbed by three fans, yet is still classy enough to have played bagpipes for Princess Diana. And it was he--not John Carpenter under the writing alias Frank Armitage--who created the line, "I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubble gum." For my money, that line stands as the polar opposite of Storm's line in the X-Men movie (you know the one) as probably the greatest one-liner of all time. They Live rules!

The Acting: There's something about Meg Foster that makes me want to put a blindfold over those freaky blue eyes of hers and do nasty things, at least to the Evil-Lyn/80's Era Meg Foster. She's excellent here as a treacherous media person. But nothing tops the simple buddy team-up of David and Piper. Angry black everyman Keith David is always a treat in any movie, but when you team him up with Roddy Piper, put them in an alleyway, and have them fight for five solid minutes, it's fucking movie gold.

The Story: Piper plays the unnamed everyman (credited as Nada) who has his own tools and knows how to use them, he just wants an honest wage for an honest day's work. Good luck, when you're living in the decade of greed and zombie-like yuppie aliens are running things behind the scenes. He discovers a pair of sunglasses that allow him to see the way things really are, including all the subliminal messages written everywhere ("CONSUME" on a billboard, "I AM YOUR GOD" on a greenback) as well as mini satellite dishes on traffic lights, floating surveillance robots, and of course the alien yuppie scum who are behind it all. So he does what any everyman would logically do. Kills a couple of aliens-as-cops, takes their pistols and shotgun, strolls into a bank, and starts blowing the fuckers away. But that's not much of a master plan, so he tries to enlist his buddy from the construction site to help out. That also doesn't turn out too good for him. In fact, Nada has a very bad week, but let's just say that in the end, he gets the job done--and with a smile, too.

The Direction: The pacing suffers a little from Carpenter's slow style, but it benefits greatly from his sense of humor and his excellent soundtrack. Carpenter has his very own niche in seige-horror pictures, and this is far and away my favorite horror movie ever. As far as I know (though I've only seen a handful of others, including Hell Comes To Frogtown by T2 co-scribe Randall Frakes, Dead Tides with Trevor Goddard, and the execrable Tough and Deadly with Tae-Bo master Billy Blanks) it's Piper's only good movie, which is generally a testamant to a quality director. There is no funnier (or longer) street brawl in movies, and it's a visionary delight.

Overall: A classic movie with one of those great, Silence of the Lambs-type open endings that allows you to ponder and enjoy the movie long after its over.

Tredekka Rules

• Rule 1: No Movie Can Get More Than 5 Stars, Not Even Deadfall. Or They Live. But that doesn't mean it can't go off the scale in terms of racking up points--this is on the top ten, after all!
• Rule 5: Sweet Actor Bonus--Keith David, +2 stars--Al Leong, +3 stars--and Roddy Piper, +4 stars. We're up to 9 stars, and we're only at Rule number 5. That's ridonculous.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--Observe Piper at his most subdued, recalling a tender moment from his childhood when his father took him down to the river to teach him about the power and glory, and saws his little neck back and forth just like a little tree. And try not to giggle with delight, I dare you. Or better yet, just watch the fucking fight scene again. When he smashes the bottle to use against Keith David and it evaporates into useless chunks, Piper gives a laugh that looks absolutely spontanous, yet doesn't break character. And the look of determination when he gets up for the third time--even in that mullet, you've got to take him seriously. What a performer. +5 stars.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--goes to the "bubble gum" scene. You really can't beat it, unless your name is Mr. Stay-Puft. It's like I told Roddy myself, They Live is a classic. +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * * )