Star Wars: Episode II--Attack Of The Clones (ZERO STARS)
I watched these two Cleveland steamers back to back as research, and I have to say, there are times when Clones vaguely resembles a movie. So it's the winner. If you call zero stars a winner.
The Acting: I have two things to say about the acting. Well, three. Christopher Lee is too fucking cool to be in all of these shitty movies. Somebody please write a starring vehicle around him before he dies, okay? (And the fact that they left his character alive to be in the sequel--at his age--is quite a testament to Lucas's faith in CGI to fix any problem). Secondly, Natalie Portman. She sucks. Her nipples do all the acting. The only reason we can't tell how bad she sucks in the first movie is because Jake Lloyd is sucking all the chrome off of a chrome cock over in the corner. What does that mean? I don't know. But you know it to be true. Now, last. Hayden Christensen. For one thing, I am not a Christian Star Wars fan, and I don't appreciate references to Christ in the credits. I know that Amidala and Vader mention "praying" and that Han says, "I'll see you in Hell!" but Lucas, if you've found Jesus, keep it to yourself. As for the performance, I just want to say...that it is brilliant. Hayden sucks, don't get me wrong...but watch this movie and try to imagine the real Darth Vader and Jake Lloyd morphed into one being, and you have Hayden. So in that sense, it's the most brilliant portrayal of another actor's character since River Phoenix in Indy 3. Actually, the maori kid playing Boba Fett makes me laugh every time I hear his evil laugh, but it breaks my heart that Jake and Beth from Once Were Warriors have such a hollow reunion in this movie. Temuera Morrisson and Rena Owen deserve better.
The Story: Gone are the midi-chlorians, but there's still a glancing mention of that prophecy thing. But the writing is for shit. Remember all that blathering purple dialogue Hayden spouts--about wounds, scars, agony and torment? All he had to do is ask Natalie Portman if she still had that Chipor Snippet thing he gave her in Episode I, and her pussy would've gotten all wet and the audience would be spared all that crappy dialogue. That Chipor Snippet thing was actually the one GOOD piece of writing about Anakin in Episode I, because I was like, "Okay, they'll bring that back and that's how he'll get in Amidala's good graces" or whatever. But no. 1999 was like, way back then, they can't be expected to remember ages-old continuity like that. Then you've got Dooku. Count Dooku claims to be the most powerful of all Jedi, and I can't argue with him. For fuck's sake, he--in one hour--took down three of the four Jedi who survive the holocaust of the Clone Wars. Vader, Yoda, and Obi-Wan, all fought to a fucking standstill by one guy. And he's the APPRENTICE?? Ian McDiarmid, you better have your arms and legs played by Jet Li, Philip Kwok, Chow Yun-Fat and Tony Leung in Episode III, or there's no way you can live up to the Master role.
The Direction: Explain to me how the CGI can look worse in the second movie than it did in the first? Better yet, let me explain. The director decided to increase the volume, and decrease the time to do it in. It's that simple. IDIOT!!!
Overall: Episode II needed to be miraculously good to save the prequel trilogy. It wasn't. And Episode III promises to bring balance to the force, by which I mean make Star Wars exactly as good in toto as Star Trek. In fact, taken as a whole, Trek may now be better. Ugh. That's a sad, sad thought.
Tredekka Rules:
The Acting: I have two things to say about the acting. Well, three. Christopher Lee is too fucking cool to be in all of these shitty movies. Somebody please write a starring vehicle around him before he dies, okay? (And the fact that they left his character alive to be in the sequel--at his age--is quite a testament to Lucas's faith in CGI to fix any problem). Secondly, Natalie Portman. She sucks. Her nipples do all the acting. The only reason we can't tell how bad she sucks in the first movie is because Jake Lloyd is sucking all the chrome off of a chrome cock over in the corner. What does that mean? I don't know. But you know it to be true. Now, last. Hayden Christensen. For one thing, I am not a Christian Star Wars fan, and I don't appreciate references to Christ in the credits. I know that Amidala and Vader mention "praying" and that Han says, "I'll see you in Hell!" but Lucas, if you've found Jesus, keep it to yourself. As for the performance, I just want to say...that it is brilliant. Hayden sucks, don't get me wrong...but watch this movie and try to imagine the real Darth Vader and Jake Lloyd morphed into one being, and you have Hayden. So in that sense, it's the most brilliant portrayal of another actor's character since River Phoenix in Indy 3. Actually, the maori kid playing Boba Fett makes me laugh every time I hear his evil laugh, but it breaks my heart that Jake and Beth from Once Were Warriors have such a hollow reunion in this movie. Temuera Morrisson and Rena Owen deserve better.
The Story: Gone are the midi-chlorians, but there's still a glancing mention of that prophecy thing. But the writing is for shit. Remember all that blathering purple dialogue Hayden spouts--about wounds, scars, agony and torment? All he had to do is ask Natalie Portman if she still had that Chipor Snippet thing he gave her in Episode I, and her pussy would've gotten all wet and the audience would be spared all that crappy dialogue. That Chipor Snippet thing was actually the one GOOD piece of writing about Anakin in Episode I, because I was like, "Okay, they'll bring that back and that's how he'll get in Amidala's good graces" or whatever. But no. 1999 was like, way back then, they can't be expected to remember ages-old continuity like that. Then you've got Dooku. Count Dooku claims to be the most powerful of all Jedi, and I can't argue with him. For fuck's sake, he--in one hour--took down three of the four Jedi who survive the holocaust of the Clone Wars. Vader, Yoda, and Obi-Wan, all fought to a fucking standstill by one guy. And he's the APPRENTICE?? Ian McDiarmid, you better have your arms and legs played by Jet Li, Philip Kwok, Chow Yun-Fat and Tony Leung in Episode III, or there's no way you can live up to the Master role.
The Direction: Explain to me how the CGI can look worse in the second movie than it did in the first? Better yet, let me explain. The director decided to increase the volume, and decrease the time to do it in. It's that simple. IDIOT!!!
Overall: Episode II needed to be miraculously good to save the prequel trilogy. It wasn't. And Episode III promises to bring balance to the force, by which I mean make Star Wars exactly as good in toto as Star Trek. In fact, taken as a whole, Trek may now be better. Ugh. That's a sad, sad thought.
Tredekka Rules:
- Rule 3: Natalie Portman Sucks So Bad She Gets -4 Stars. Believe it. Keep pressin' that magic button, Natalie. Keep pressin' that magic button.
- Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Christopher Lee, +1 star.
- Rule 11: Giant Robots Make Good Cinema, +1 point.
- Rule 17: The "Don't Fuck With The Fourth Wall" Penalty--goes to the Yoda fight. I'll accept that Yoda knows how to fight. I'll accept that he uses a lightsaber, like most Jedi. I'll even accept that he does little flips and shit to make up for his size. But that Kung Fu posturing he does at the beginning has got to belong somewhere in the crown jewel of the great movie junkheap of unbelievable shit somewhere. Probably Cleveland, near the Rock 'N Roll hall of fame. -1 star.
- Rule 23: Master And Command Your Title, Stupid, -1 star
- Rule 30: Any Animated Film Gets A Pity Star For The Effort. +1 star.
- Rule 31: Lightsabers Are Sweet, +1 star.
- Rule 42: Any Movie With The Words "Episode" or "Special Edition" in its title gets -1 star.
posted by Tredekka at 7:39 PM
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