Star Wars: Episode I--The Phantom Menace (ZERO STARS)

Always save the best for last. Or is it, save the worst for first?

The Acting: Uh...

The Story: Midi-chlorians.

The Direction: Fuck.

Overall: Fuck!!

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Natalie Portman, -4 stars--Jake Lloyd, - 5 stars. YOU SUCK!!!
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Terrence Stamp, +1 star
• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting, unless you're Boss Nass, in which case you get nothing. That's not so much spitting, as indiscriminately spraying saliva everywhere.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to Jar Jar. Let's face it, this movie is a giant turd. But Jar Jar and Watto are the two actors most at home with this material. Everyone else looks bored or embarassed. +1 star.
• Rule 11: Giant Robots Make Good Cinema, yeah, sort of, +1 star.
• Rule 23: Master And Command Your Title, Stupid, -1 star.
• Rule 26: All Prequels Suck. -5 points.
• Rule 28: The "For The Kids!" Penalty--goes to George Lucas's parents. For having kids. I'm sorry, did that come out sounding ungrateful?
• Rule 30: Any Animated Film Gets A Pity Star For The Effort. Say what you will. The prequels are just cartoons.
• Rule 31: Lightsabers Are Sweet, +1 star
• Rule 42 (NEW RULE): Any Movie With The Words "Episode" or "Edition" in its title gets -1 star. That way, even the phony DVD editions with the Hayden Christiansen ghost and all that other shit get punished too. You'll notice that my other Star Wars reviews use only their original theatrical titles, not this "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark" style revisionist history bullshit. Fuck you Special Editions, and fuck you Platinum Editions, too. To quote Bill Hicks, the mere fact of your existence is like a turd dropping into my drink.

Tredekka Score: (ZERO STARS)