Star Wars: Episode III--Revenge of the Sith (ZERO STARS)

Just to prove the Tredekka System works, for the last review I wanted to review a movie before it came out and demonstrate once and for all that the Tredekka Rules are rules to live by. We all know the score anyway.

The Acting: Oh, just terrible. Wait, let me watch the trailer again to make sure...yeah, pretty bad. Actually, the two Sith look like they're having some fun, but that doesn't necessarily mean that we, the audience, will as well.

The Story: By the end of this movie, it will be perfectly obvious that Episode I shouldn't have existed (who gives a fuck what Vader's like as a boy? I don't care who conceived him, midichlorians, Watto, whatever)...and logically the events of Episode II should have been the start of the prequel trilogy, with Anakin already as an apprentice. Episode III is about Anakin becoming Vader, but will we get to see Vader "hunt down and destroy the jedi"? Not in a PG franchise, and not in Episode III. He shows up at the end, and that's about it. What a fucking waste of time, money, and fan hope the prequels were.

The Direction: Lucas isn't a director. He's a producer. And he directs like a producer--micromanaging, but with no sense of a big picture. All that shit in the Special Editions were directed by FX guys, and so are most of these prequel movies. That's not excusing him, that's condemning him for not having a firm hand at the till. What a shithead.

Overall: I'll see it once. I have to know for sure. But there ain't no hope for this series. Not anymore. After Episode II I was hoping Lucas might drop dead, and they'd let somebody else take over...but now that III is in the can except for pickups, even that eludes me. So assuming Tarantino doesn't direct any pick-up shots of Jar Jar in a trunk, or David Mamet does a rewrite, or that they dodge the pretentious bullet in a big way, here's the preliminary score...

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Natalie Portman, -4 stars. Unless she puts on an outer-space catholic school girl outfit and goes down on Mon Mothma while Beru gives her a rim job while some gungan with a camcorder jacks off in the corner, then she's only -3 stars.
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Christopher Lee, +1 star. Unless you can't make it, then R.I.P., yo.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--let's assume 1 point each goes to Hayden and Ian, based on the trailer. It still ain't gonna help.
• Rule 11: Giant Robots May Show Up, +1 star. And even if they do, it still ain't gonna help.
• Rule 17: The "Don't Fuck With The Fourth Wall" Penalty--you've earned it already with your awful, sub-Jumanji level CGI wookiees. Who animated their hair, Slinky Dog from Toy Story? -1 star.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--definitely will not go to the gay Frankenstein with little bitty-looking hands scene where Darth shows up in his suit. That is, as I explained earlier in the previous sentence, gay. -1 star.
• Rule 23: Master And Command Your Title, Stupid, -1 point.
• Rule 26: All Prequels Suck. -5 points. I know, -5 points is harsh for a broad generalization. But have you seen Missing In Action 2: The Beginning?
• Rule 30: Any Animated Film Gets A Pity Star For The Effort. +1 star. Won't help.
• Rule 31: Lightsabers Are Sweet +1 star. Won't help.
• Rule 42: Any Movie With The Words "Episode" or "Special Edition" in its title gets -1 star. Won't help, but hell, at this point it won't hurt any worse either. See ya May 19th.

Tredekka Score: (ZERO STARS)