Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl ( * * * )
Channeling Keith Richards as well as his considerable artistic energy into the role, Johnny Depp, who by all accounts is our generation's actorly successor to Marlon Brando, unequivocally steals the movie. But that isn't to say that he's acting in a void. As an entertainment, Pirates of the Caribbean (and by the way critics, however you would normally pronounce the word, when it's the movie or the theme park ride you're discussing it's CARE-A-BEIHN, not CAR-RIB-BE-IN) is probably above average but leaves an aftertaste with a fairly short half-life.
The Acting: Depp? Brilliant. Geoffrey Rush? Excellently grizzled. Keira Knightley? Fun to look at. Orlando Bloom? Fun to look at for chicks and homos, and those LOTR fans who straddle the line between both (speaking as a heterosexual male, I personally thought he was hotter as Legolas, without the I'm-some-dude-in-seventh-grade-who-can't-grow-a-proper-mustache look, but to be honest I don't give a fuck either way). And Let It Be Said For The Ages, that this was the final role of my favorite actor of all time, Trevor Goddard. He performed, I believe, as either Zombie #3 or Third Zombie From The Left. For The Ages.
The Story: You know, it's pretty impressive given the source material. I saw this movie twice in the theatres, which is unusual in the days of cell phones/pagers/babies/T A.-A.s. They even managed to write in a "lightsaber fight" with a half-forged sword that shoots sparks everywhere. And Gore Verbinski clearly graduated from the Kevin Reynolds Let's-Think-Of-Fifty-Eleven-Cool-Things-To-Do-With-Ropes-And-Pulleys School of Directing. This is a fun movie. And it's even appropriate for the kids. But leave the snot-nosed fucks AT HOME when you're going to the theatre you fucking idiots!!!
The Direction: Light and breezy, and the CGI helps instead of bogging things down. The tone is just about perfect, but there was one zombie (I forget his name, but he was buddies with Gareth Keenan from The Office) who gives the exact same annoyed/confused reaction shot twice and for some reason it really pisses me off that they thought that would be funny twice. The battle at the end is a farce, because the zombies lose against a human crew, which is ridonculous horseshit. But that's Disney for ya. And why is Johnny Depp instantly decayed as a zombie, when he'd only been a zombie for, like, five minutes? Aesthetics only. But there's only so much logic you can heap on a zombie movie before it buckles under the weight, but it's kind of sad that Gore's other movie The Ring actually made more sense than this one. The best thing about Gore Verbinski I can say is, he doesn't skimp on hiring hot-ass chicks to act in his movies. Imagine The Ring starring Lisa Kudrow and Pirates of the Caribbean starring Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Overall: A good movie, but not worth waiting for the monkey tag after the end credits...unless Gore Verbinski's sequel is titled Return To Monkey Island. And it's not.
Tredekka Rules:
The Acting: Depp? Brilliant. Geoffrey Rush? Excellently grizzled. Keira Knightley? Fun to look at. Orlando Bloom? Fun to look at for chicks and homos, and those LOTR fans who straddle the line between both (speaking as a heterosexual male, I personally thought he was hotter as Legolas, without the I'm-some-dude-in-seventh-grade-who-can't-grow-a-proper-mustache look, but to be honest I don't give a fuck either way). And Let It Be Said For The Ages, that this was the final role of my favorite actor of all time, Trevor Goddard. He performed, I believe, as either Zombie #3 or Third Zombie From The Left. For The Ages.
The Story: You know, it's pretty impressive given the source material. I saw this movie twice in the theatres, which is unusual in the days of cell phones/pagers/babies/T A.-A.s. They even managed to write in a "lightsaber fight" with a half-forged sword that shoots sparks everywhere. And Gore Verbinski clearly graduated from the Kevin Reynolds Let's-Think-Of-Fifty-Eleven-Cool-Things-To-Do-With-Ropes-And-Pulleys School of Directing. This is a fun movie. And it's even appropriate for the kids. But leave the snot-nosed fucks AT HOME when you're going to the theatre you fucking idiots!!!
The Direction: Light and breezy, and the CGI helps instead of bogging things down. The tone is just about perfect, but there was one zombie (I forget his name, but he was buddies with Gareth Keenan from The Office) who gives the exact same annoyed/confused reaction shot twice and for some reason it really pisses me off that they thought that would be funny twice. The battle at the end is a farce, because the zombies lose against a human crew, which is ridonculous horseshit. But that's Disney for ya. And why is Johnny Depp instantly decayed as a zombie, when he'd only been a zombie for, like, five minutes? Aesthetics only. But there's only so much logic you can heap on a zombie movie before it buckles under the weight, but it's kind of sad that Gore's other movie The Ring actually made more sense than this one. The best thing about Gore Verbinski I can say is, he doesn't skimp on hiring hot-ass chicks to act in his movies. Imagine The Ring starring Lisa Kudrow and Pirates of the Caribbean starring Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Overall: A good movie, but not worth waiting for the monkey tag after the end credits...unless Gore Verbinski's sequel is titled Return To Monkey Island. And it's not.
Tredekka Rules:
- Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Trevor Goddard, +5 stars (There is none higher!)
- Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--Johnny Depp, you make good decisions sometimes. Acting drunk this whole movie is one of them. +3 stars.
- Rule 21 (NEW RULE): Theme This (Any Film Based On A Theme Park Attraction Loses Between 1 and 5 Points) -5 stars...fuck you, Disney.
- Rule 22 (NEW RULE) The Great Entrance Award--Jack Sparrow/Depp's character introduction in the movie, docking a sinking ship and then ripping off the port authority, is one of the great character intros in film history. +1 point.
- Rule 23 (NEW RULE) Master And Command Your Title, Stupid--the title of this movie, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl is TOO FUCKING LONG. I've got a life to live, fuckos. I mean, me buckos...no, wait, I mean fuckos. -1 star.
Tredekka Score: ( * * * )
posted by Tredekka at 6:13 AM
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