Robocop ( * * * * * )

I had to build up the rules a bit before I got to this barnstormer of a movie, cuz it's gonna about goddamn near break every one of them. I can see why they chose Frank Miller to do a draft of the sequel, since, like his Dark Knight Returns comic, Robocop seems to take place in a future where the Eighties never ended, they only got Eightieser, as evidenced by things like the Lee Iaccoca middle school and the 6000 SUX car commercials. Half man, half machine, all cop...and "MORE BLOOD!" because it's Paul Verhoeven in the director's chair...

The Acting: Let's put it this way, it's got three Twin Peaks alum, so there's no way I'm complainin'. That's right, Miguel Ferrer (Albert Rosenfield) Ray Wise (Leland Palmer) and Dan O'Herlihy (Andrew Packard) all got some of their most memorable early work here in the Dutch College Of Film. Add Kurtwood Smith in his most aggressively funny role ever, Buckaroo Banzai himself--Peter Weller--as the cyborg star, and even Ronny Cox as a spitting viper CEO provides the cherry on top. ED-209 also displays some excellent acting chops and delicious comic timing.

The Story: Peter Weller gets shot. Miguel Ferrer makes him into Robocop. The black dude eats baby food. Miguel Ferrer gets shot. Kurtwood Smith sticks gum on some chick's desk (the chick was played by his wife, according to IMDB) The red-headed dude gets splattered on a car. Nancy Allen gets shot. Robocop overcomes his existential dilemma by exploiting a loophole in his programming when Dan O'Herlihy eerily anticipates "The Apprentice" by saying, "Dick, you're fired!" Ronny Cox gets shot and a homunculous claymation Ronny Cox falls to its death. The whereabouts of the real Ronny Cox remain unknown. Thanks, Ed Neumeier and Michael Miner. See ya at Starship Troopers.

The Direction: Paul Verhoeven doesn't direct movies so much as paint them. Robocop is a blood sprinkler. I saw it with my brother-in-law and he got so ill he almost hurled. It is said that Verhoeven views Robocop as a futuristic Jesus figure, which is appropriate, since the blood content of this film is up there with The Passion Of The Christ, Kill Bill V.1 and The Story Of Ricky. The corporate scenes are great and the street-level violence scenes are great. You'd think he grew up in a country with rampant crime. Even robots like ED-209 and killing machines like Kurtwood Smith and Ronny Cox benefit from Verhoeven's subtle, delicate touch. Best moments? When Kurtwood Smith says, "Bitches leave" to Miguel Ferrer's whores. When the black dude says, "She was sweeee-eeet...I took her out!" about poor Nancy Allen. I love the commercials and the newscasts, too--something about three U.S. presidents dying in one day due to a space laser or something is briefly mentioned, and it's clear the world is falling apart around Robocop's head, but he's got his own problems to worry about. And, if you're watching Robocop on TV, the best part is when the guy robbing the convenience store, instead of repeatedly saying, "Fuck me!" says something along the lines of, "Why me? Why me? Fight me! Fight me!" It's surreal.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 1: No Movie Can Get More Than 5 Stars, Not Even Deadfall. Or Robocop.
• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty (oddly inapplicable, thanks to Verhoeven. Even Leeza Gibbons from Entertainment Tonight doesn't piss me off in this masterpiece.)
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonuses--Ray Wise, +1 point--Miguel Ferrer, +1 point--Kurtwood Smith, +1 point.
• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting. I should say, sptting = GREAT acting when it's Kurtwood Smith, and there's blood in the spit. +1 point.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--Kurtwood Smith for "Dick Jones! It was Dick Jones!" +1 point.
• Rule 7: Cameo By Human Intestines--I can't exactly tell which are the intestines, but a guy gets completely splattered by a car at waist level, so I can only assume Rule 7 applies...Judges?...yes, I'll allow it. +1 point.
• Rule 11: Giant Robots Make Good Cinema--ED 209 may not be giant in stature, but he is about twice as large as a human being. And he's got ten times more personality than that Arnold on Green Acres. +1 point.
• Rule 13: Spawned A Shitty TV Series Penalty--Haven't seen the show, and it occurred after Robocop 3, when the series had already jumped the shark, but I heard it tried to update Robocop to the 90's, with, like, a TV show in it called "When Robocop Attacks". Actually, that sounds brilliant--but -1 point anyway.
• Rule 14: Cool Gun Award--+1 point. I'm actually more enthralled with the holster, which is Robocop's leg, but the semiautomatic weapon Robocop uses is cool...in fact...
• Rule 15: Practise Makes Perfect: ...Robocop uses the gun on the firing range. And I do love police firing ranges. +1 point.
• Rule 16 (NEW RULE): The Paul Verhoeven "MORE BLOOD!" Award (Any Film With More Blood Than Is Possible/Remotely Necessary To Tell The Story Earns Between 1 and 5 Points)--fittingly, the first Paul Verhoeven "MORE BLOOD!" Award goes to Paul Verhoeven. I will award 4 points for Peter Weller's sadistic death scene, which is so terrible and cruel it includes a guy making the golf noises from Caddyshack.

Tredekka Score: (UNMODIFIED) ( * * * * * * * * * * * * )

Tredekka Score: (COUNTING RULE 1) ( * * * * * )