Batman Forever (ZERO STARS)
You ever been sittin' on your couch, flippin' through channels really late at night, and you find some piece of shit movie, and you start watching it cuz you're too tired to floss or whatever you need to do before going to bed? And you're like, this is a shitty movie, but I"m watchin' it, and your whole body is suffused with too much laziness to turn away? I had that feeling in a movie theater once. After paying good money to see this opening night (Lost Boys was good--who knew?) I quickly realized I had been had. But I sat there and took it. A couple years or so later, I thought, maybe it's not so bad--so I watched it on a borrowed tape. Still bad. It will always be bad. It's by Joel Shitmaker.
The Acting: Set all acting controls to autopilot...engage! Sorry, Tommy Lee Jones (who did the movie to impress his kid, see Tredekka Rule 28 below) puts on quite a show as the race-changing Harvey Dent/Two Face, played by Billy Dee Williams in Batman. Jim Carrey delivers outrageously straight-faced camp dialogue like, "Batman you say? Coming for you? I'm counting on it!" Gaywad Chris O'Donnel has the two good lines of the movie--well, two good refernces: one to Metropolis, one to Holey Rusted Metal. And in a better movie, they wouldn't stand out as being highlights. Nicole Kidman plays a retarded psychiatrist, and poor Val Kilmer gets buried under a cowl and crappy Akiva Goldsman dialogue.
The Story: Riddle me this! What was the one riddle that the Riddler poses in this movie? That's right--his fucking name. Not the solution to a crime. Not his whereabouts. His fucking name. But he does single-handedly blow up the Batcave. Mmm...believable.
The Directon: Joel Shitmaker. Pretty much says it all.
Overall: If you like nonsensical ghostbusters effects, Batman and Robin crotch shots, and hare-brained flashback sequences, you are Joel Schumacher. So why are you reading reviews of your own movies? Go make Tigerland 2. Or better yet, Tiger Beat the movie, you fucking fag.
Tredekka Rules:
The Acting: Set all acting controls to autopilot...engage! Sorry, Tommy Lee Jones (who did the movie to impress his kid, see Tredekka Rule 28 below) puts on quite a show as the race-changing Harvey Dent/Two Face, played by Billy Dee Williams in Batman. Jim Carrey delivers outrageously straight-faced camp dialogue like, "Batman you say? Coming for you? I'm counting on it!" Gaywad Chris O'Donnel has the two good lines of the movie--well, two good refernces: one to Metropolis, one to Holey Rusted Metal. And in a better movie, they wouldn't stand out as being highlights. Nicole Kidman plays a retarded psychiatrist, and poor Val Kilmer gets buried under a cowl and crappy Akiva Goldsman dialogue.
The Story: Riddle me this! What was the one riddle that the Riddler poses in this movie? That's right--his fucking name. Not the solution to a crime. Not his whereabouts. His fucking name. But he does single-handedly blow up the Batcave. Mmm...believable.
The Directon: Joel Shitmaker. Pretty much says it all.
Overall: If you like nonsensical ghostbusters effects, Batman and Robin crotch shots, and hare-brained flashback sequences, you are Joel Schumacher. So why are you reading reviews of your own movies? Go make Tigerland 2. Or better yet, Tiger Beat the movie, you fucking fag.
Tredekka Rules:
- Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Jim Carrey, -1 star--Drew Barrymore, -1 star
- Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--it was over the top: Jim Carrey, +1 star.
- Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good, +1 star.
- Rule 28: The "For The Kids" Penalty--goes to the whole movie, but Tommy Lee Jones in particular. -1 star.
- Rule 34: The Superhero Movie Handicap, -1 star.
- Rule 37 (NEW RULE): Any Film Directed By Joel Shitmaker, -1 star.
Tredekka Score: (ZERO STARS)
posted by Tredekka at 9:58 AM
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