Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom ( * * )

My fantasy is that Indiana Jones 4 starts off with Indy in deep shit somewhere (hopefully not fighting hippies, even though it would chronologically be about the 1960's by now) and suddenly Short Round shows up and kicks some fucking ass, because he's being played by Jet Li. Then they go get the Ark of the Covanents out of that big warehouse and strap it to a missile, and launch it at the alien invaders. Did I mention it's a sequel to Independence Day, too? That's right folks--coming Summer 2006--InDy4. But how can it be a sequel to both, when Harisson already looks too old to wipe his own butt? Uh...because when he drank from the grail he got everlasting life. Duh. My point is, I hate hippies. Dirty, dirty hippies.

The Acting: Hmm...really not so great, this time around. I find Kate Capshaw particularly annoying. The best part is the Jap gangsters at the Obi-Wan Club. The ones who are so evil that they're about to lose their shit Jimmy Fallon-style the whole time they're talking to poison-victim Indy. Now there's some delicious villainy. Jonathan Ke Quan is a good foil/sidekick.

The Story: There's no Nazis or Christian relics on the line, so who gives a fuck. Easily the worst of the three.

The Direction: Spielberg is a virtuoso at gross bug footage and the dinner scene is probably one of the most memorable scenes in the whole trilogy. But the heart pulling out shit was hinkey, and the main villain was hardly worthy of being a henchman to the likes of Toht and Belloq.

Overall: Proves once and for all, Europe and the Middle East brew better villains than Asia.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting, +1 star to Harrison's impression of Gene Simmons.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to Jonathan Ke Quan, whose deadpan delivery of the lines "no time for love Dr. Jones" and "we going for a wide" make an otherwise humdrum movie and a shitty convention (the kid sidekick) much more tolerable. He'll be replaced with an even more loveable gungan in the special edition, though. (Actually, I do give Spielberg credit for not doing special editions of his films. If Indy hadn't shot that sword-weilding arab dude in cold blood, it simply wouldn't be the classic it is today, and unlike Lucas I think Speilberg knows that, stupid hand radios in E.T. aside.)
• Rule 17: The "Don't Fuck With The Fourth Wall" Penalty--this just in: you need a heart to live, I don't care how goddamn crazy you are. -1 star

Tredekka Score: ( * * )