Raiders of the Lost Ark ( * * * * * )

I remember an article in the Star Wars fan club magazine Bantha Tracks that showed a scrappy-looking dude played by Han Solo trying to fight some shirtless German guy that looked about twice his size. It was an ad for George Lucas's upcoming movie Raiders of Something Something. I didn't really care, because it wasn't Star Wars related, but I still remember reading it in the kitchen that morning. What made it stand out, I wonder? Probably Harrison Ford in that leather jacket and fedora hat, an image of rugged Yankee fearlessness with a touch of the haphazard anti-hero, who's forced to be up for anything mainly because of piss-poor planning on his part.

The Acting: Every role is totemic, symbolic, pure pulp--and the actors are all up to the challenge. Even--hell, especially--the Nazi sympathizing monkey.

The Story: Whips, snakes, holy artifacts, museums, planes, more snakes, Nazi submarines, and a cameo appearance by the Wrath of God make this the ultimate cliffhanger pulp movie.

The Direction: Spielberg at his very best. Two of his movies set during World War II won best picture--but this is his World War II era (well, technically all three Indy films are pre-World War II, but they have Nazis, so close enough) movie that deserved it.

Overall: Dun-duh-duh-dah! Dun-dah-dah! Dun-duh-duh-dah! Dun-duh-duh-duh-dah!

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 1: No Movie Can Get More Than 5 Stars, Not Even Deadfall. Or Raiders of the Lost Ark.
• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Alfred Molina, who will always be the "throw me the whip!" guy (even though Indy said that line) earns -1 star for just plain sucking. Granted, he's good for this one role, but did he deserve playing a Spider-Man villain, or having a sex scene with Natasha Henstridge when she had black hair and looked just about the hottest any chick has ever looked at the end of Species? Fuck you, Alfred Molina. I would never throw you the idol, unless it concussed your bullum head when I threw it.
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--goes to Karen Allen, who was also terrific in John Carpenter's Starman and Scrooged. One of the great actresses of the eighties, here plays the old-archaeologist-buddy's-daughter-next-door, who can drink ugly guys under the table and hurl American sass at Nazis. +2 stars.
• Rule 5: Melting = Good Acting, +1 star.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--Harrison was born to play Indiana Jones. +3 stars to the man who gave my generation two of its greatest non-Robocop heroes.
• Rule 13: Spawned A Shitty TV Series Award--ahh, Young Indiana Jones Chronicles. You helped me learn and get bored. Thanks. Especially for that piece of shit jazz episode that actually had Harisson in it, you fucking cunts. I want that hour of my life back (it was the only episode I ever watched). -1 star.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--goes to the ghosts, which were twenty kazillion times cooler than the ghosts in the grotesquely overrated Return of the King. "They're byoo-tee-ful!!" +1 star.
• Rule 32: William Hootkins = Blockbuster. Lucas didn't think that "Porkins" was a clear enough name to elucidate that William Hootkins was fat in Star Wars, so here he's dubbed "Major Eaton." We get it, we get it. Jesus. Just be grateful he started another succesful franchise for you...if he'd been in the Tucker movie, that franchise would have taken off and Jeff Bridges would be a mega star by now, on par with Tom Selleck. +1 star.
• Rule 40 (NEW RULE) I Love It When Americans Mouth Off To Nazis. It was good in Casablanca, it's good here--hell, it's always good. YOU-ESS-AY! +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * * )