X-Men (ZERO STARS)
First off, Bryan Singer is gay. Quite literally homosexual. Now, I'm not overly sensitive about things as a rule, but I'm not a homophobe. There've been some kick-ass queers in the entertainment industry--Tennessee Williams, Rock Hudson, Raymond Burr, Michelangelo (Hell, "David" may be the greatest piece of art made by human effort, and it's got a schlong)...supposedly even badasses like Alec Guiness and Marlon Brando were bi. But I don't remember any of them trying to direct action movies. That's a man's game. And Kathryn Bigelow's game. Period.
The Acting: Fellow fags Ian McKellan and Alan Cumming have both graced the X-Men franchise, and Hugh Jackman (who only acts hella, hella gay in some recent Broadway musical) plays a pussy-ass version of Wolverine, whose sissy claws come out between his fingers instead of over his knuckles. Oscar winner Halle Barry gives the most lackluster performance of her sorry career as Storm, who's a native African with no accent and a platinum blonde with black eyebrows. Nice going, idiots. Patrick Stewart may also be gay, and he may also be an actor in this film.
The Story: Gay, gay, gay. They dismiss so much continuity and good ideas that would have been useful. Where's the scene where Magneto makes Wolverine try to gouge his face with his own claws? That's tailor made for celluloid. They blew it across the board.
The Direction: Singer's a one-hit wonder. Public Access sucked. Apt Pupil sucked. X-Men sucks. I haven't seen X2, but I've been given no reason to doubt it sucks. The Usual Suspects had a great cast and a script so good that even Singer couldn't fuck it up, evidently. And by the way, if you doubt he's a queen--why else would he take a hottie like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and cover her with repulsive blue scales, which she doesn't even have in the comics? As a "fuck you" to the straight world, that's why.
Overall: Fag directors plus heterosexual superhero characters equals retarded leather fetish movies. We saw it with Batman, and we've seen it with X-Men. Stick to sucking cock, if that's what you're good at, cuz you sure aren't good at making movies for the proverbial guys who like movies.
Tredekka Rules:
The Acting: Fellow fags Ian McKellan and Alan Cumming have both graced the X-Men franchise, and Hugh Jackman (who only acts hella, hella gay in some recent Broadway musical) plays a pussy-ass version of Wolverine, whose sissy claws come out between his fingers instead of over his knuckles. Oscar winner Halle Barry gives the most lackluster performance of her sorry career as Storm, who's a native African with no accent and a platinum blonde with black eyebrows. Nice going, idiots. Patrick Stewart may also be gay, and he may also be an actor in this film.
The Story: Gay, gay, gay. They dismiss so much continuity and good ideas that would have been useful. Where's the scene where Magneto makes Wolverine try to gouge his face with his own claws? That's tailor made for celluloid. They blew it across the board.
The Direction: Singer's a one-hit wonder. Public Access sucked. Apt Pupil sucked. X-Men sucks. I haven't seen X2, but I've been given no reason to doubt it sucks. The Usual Suspects had a great cast and a script so good that even Singer couldn't fuck it up, evidently. And by the way, if you doubt he's a queen--why else would he take a hottie like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and cover her with repulsive blue scales, which she doesn't even have in the comics? As a "fuck you" to the straight world, that's why.
Overall: Fag directors plus heterosexual superhero characters equals retarded leather fetish movies. We saw it with Batman, and we've seen it with X-Men. Stick to sucking cock, if that's what you're good at, cuz you sure aren't good at making movies for the proverbial guys who like movies.
Tredekka Rules:
- Rule 12: Dodged The Pretentious Bullet Award--Yeah, +1 star. See, to be pretentious, you need a story first. So I guess you could say they dodged the story bullet, too.
- Rule 17: The "Don't Fuck With The Fourth Wall" Penalty--goes to THE WORST one-liner in motion picture history. You know, the one about what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??? I've never wanted an Akiva Goldsman rewrite in my life, but I would've grabbed for it like a life jacket in freezing waters after hearing that. It's a line so bad, the fourth wall shattered and all I could think about was whether I'd ever heard a worse line in a movie. Suspending disbelief was impossible from that moment on. So, -2 stars, because sometimes lightning does strike twice.
- Rule 34: The Superhero Movie Handicap, -1 point.
Tredekka Score: (ZERO STARS)
posted by Tredekka at 6:37 PM
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