Men of War ( * * * * * )

KEEFER: "This isn't I hit you, you hit me, I hit you, no no no...it's I hit you. I hit you. I fucking hit you." Thanks John Sayles, for writing the part the great Trevor Goddard was born to play--that of the heartless mercenary Keefer in the Perry Lang-directed Men of War.

The Acting: Best Trevor role ever. And it's got a cast of supporting actors that, for good or ill, make me grin. There's Tom "Tiny" Lister Jr., the crosseyed hulk with the scary voice playing--for a change--a menacing bad guy; Anthony Denison (crime lord Ray Luca from the great eighties show Crime Story); Cute Asian actress Charlotte Lewis from The Golden Child, who almost got busy with Alyssa Milano in Embrace of the Vampire and originated the then-unnamed Tredekka Rule #8; B.D. Wong, who desperately needs to play Bill Paxton's dad someday; JAG and various men's magazines hottie Catherine Bell, here portrayed as a butch tomboy soldier-for-hire; and genius scientist Dolph Lundgren (I.Q. of 160, believe it or not) plays Nick Gunar, a Swedish gun for hire with "a touch of the poet." Maybe it's because Trevor beats the crap out of him, but I consider this Dolph's best role, as well.

The Story: There's this island covered in bird shit, which a company wants to mine off the face of the sea because of its resulting rich mineral content. Except a bunch of brown-skinned people live there. Enter Nick Gunar and his team of mercenaries to threaten the inhabitants away. Except that Nick is a softie, and he grows to respect and even love the local culture (I'm sure seeing Charlotte Lewis's big frilly tits while she bathes in a tide pool had nothing to do with his change of heart). Meanwhile, the evil CEOs get a new partner in the form of Nick's old teammate Keefer (Trevor) who in a hilarious scene joins their company, pointing out his fax number on the back of his business card while holding one of the bigwigs in a shirtless headlock. The sides are drawn when Nick refuses to leave the island, and a small war ensues that tests loyalties and pits primitive warriors against high tech might, just like the ewoks.

The Direction: Perry Lang directs, and cameos as one of the shit-hunting corporate a-holes. He has a touch of the poet, too.

Overall: "It's Swedish...like me"..."What color [people are we fighting]?" "Lighter than you but darker than me."..."What's your story, bitch?"..."Bald head!!"..."Well well well...Nick Gunar."It's worth it all just to see Trevor's swaggering entrance. He's running the local police, and he comes across Nick's crew in a brothel. The claim that they've done nothing wrong, so Trevor shoots one of his own men, licks Catherine Bell's face, and proceeds to beat the shit out of Dolph after giving the speech cited at the top of the review. Trevor Goddard was my favorite actor for years, and he always delivered a hilariously over the top performance. He died June 7 2003 from an accidental drug overdose. He's usually only in a bit part or a cameo, but this performance in particular is worth hunting up.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 1: No Move Can Get More Than 5 Stars, Not Even Deadfall. Or Men of War.
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Trevor Goddard, +5 stars.
• Rule 5: Over The Top Acting Award--Trevor, +1 star for each time he licked Catherine Bell's face, which is to say, once.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--again, +1 to Trevor, for his smoke-filled, arena-style entrance accompanied by that leering laugh of his. T.D. knows what I'm talkin' about, since he does the best Trevor laugh I've heard.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * * )