The Matrix ( * * * * )

The ads for this had me completely turned off (I remember wincing every time I heard Joey Pants say the line, "Buckle up Dorothy--cuz Kansas is goin' bye-bye!") but I shelled out money to see it at the dollar theater when I learned that my favorite artist Geof Darrow did storyboards and concept designs. I was not disappointed.

The Acting: Keanu is certainly passable as a techno-Jesus. Carrie-Anne Moss is deceptively hot. Larry Fishburne is half Obi-Wan, half Darth Vader as Morpheus. Joey Pants is Joey Pants. Hugo Weaving steals the show as a violently neurotic germophobe computer program.

The Story: Inventive, innovative, and an embarassment to Star Wars: Episode I in every way. This is the first super-hero fantasy grounded in some kind of logic, even if it's twisted. Too bad they didn't pursue that as a premise for the next two, since there were no humans spectators in the next two to be impressed by Neo's abilities. Let's pretend the other Matricies didn't happen.

Overall: If this movie ever comes out in a non-shitty Warner Bros. case, I will buy it. But you can keep the box set with the Neo statue. That's retarded.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to Hugo Weaving for the whole "humanity is a virus" scene. The dialogue's so good it tickles. +1 star.
• Rule 11: Giant Robots Make Good Cinema--especially Giant Geof Darrow Robots. +1 point.
• Rule 12: Dodged The Pretentious Bullet Award--yep, humanity's been taken over by machines. Now let's learn kung-fu! +1 point.
• Rule 13: Spawned A Shitty TV Series Penalty--"Threat Matrix", anyone? Okay, that's not fair. How about..."Matrix", starring Carrie-Anne Moss? No, wait, that came out BEFORE The Matrix. Fuck it. I saw more bullet time in Doritos commercials than any human being should have to--that's a show; sure, why not. -1 point.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--goes to Neo...the real Neo...as he is "born" in a slimy cubbyhole and then gets his head unscrewed by a giant monster before getting flushed down a toilet. +1 star.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good, +1 point. I almost want to have a rule that gives bonus points to jumping off a fire escape into a dumpster, but honestly, how often would that come up?

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * )