Spider-Man ( * )
"Can Spider-Man come out to play?" asks Norman Osbourne's alter ego, the Green Goblin. I think he's referring to the fact that all the special effects in this enormously overrated movie resemble graphics in a Playstation game. Not Playstation 2--Playstation.
The Acting: I hate Tobey McGuire. He's a fucking muppet. Kirsten Dunst is cute, yes, but dumb as a bag of hammers. Mary Jane Watson's only supposed to be dumb as one hammer. Willem Dafoe is always enjoyable, and rises to the challenge, even though they gypped him out of a real Green Goblin costume, and instead outfit him like a foil from the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
The Story: The story's not bad, actually, except that they stole the idea for Peter Parker's web spoog coming out of his arm from the Spider-Man 2099 comic, and in both cases it doesn't make sense. Don't female spiders make the webs? Out of their ass? At least they got the rest of his origin more or less straight. Props for not having the Green Goblin kill his uncle and ask him if he ever danced with the goblin by the pale moonlight.
The Direction: Not much Sam Raimi-cam for a Sam Raimi movie. Kind of a letdown. It was also a letdown that they told James Cameron his script was too violent. Too violent? No such thing!
Overall: Peter Parker shies away from Mary Jane's sexual advances at the end, even after all of his trials and tribulations. Me, I'd think after saving all those people he could at least accept a handjob. What a stupid idot.
Tredekka Rules:
The Acting: I hate Tobey McGuire. He's a fucking muppet. Kirsten Dunst is cute, yes, but dumb as a bag of hammers. Mary Jane Watson's only supposed to be dumb as one hammer. Willem Dafoe is always enjoyable, and rises to the challenge, even though they gypped him out of a real Green Goblin costume, and instead outfit him like a foil from the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
The Story: The story's not bad, actually, except that they stole the idea for Peter Parker's web spoog coming out of his arm from the Spider-Man 2099 comic, and in both cases it doesn't make sense. Don't female spiders make the webs? Out of their ass? At least they got the rest of his origin more or less straight. Props for not having the Green Goblin kill his uncle and ask him if he ever danced with the goblin by the pale moonlight.
The Direction: Not much Sam Raimi-cam for a Sam Raimi movie. Kind of a letdown. It was also a letdown that they told James Cameron his script was too violent. Too violent? No such thing!
Overall: Peter Parker shies away from Mary Jane's sexual advances at the end, even after all of his trials and tribulations. Me, I'd think after saving all those people he could at least accept a handjob. What a stupid idot.
Tredekka Rules:
- Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Macy Gray, -1 star. I don't even really remember her being in the movie, and she's more of a suck musican than actor, but still. Cough up that ten-year backlog of phlegm before recording the next album, baby.
- Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Bruce Campbell, +3 stars.
- Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--1 star goes to Willem Dafoe, who is ugly.
- Rule 13: Spawned A Shitty TV Series Penatly, -1 star. Maybe Brian Michael Bendis's comic inspired the CG show, but the movie inspired the comic, so it all comes out in the wash.
- Rule 34: The Superhero Movie Handicap, -1 star.
Tredekka Score: ( * )
posted by Tredekka at 3:47 PM
1 Comments:
What kind of messed up science book have you been reading? Don't female spiders make the webs? How do male spiders catch their food if they can't spin a web? Do they just hang out under a female's web and hope she drops something?
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