"You're not a demon are you?...oh shit, you are!"

Aliens ( * * * * * )

"Is this gonna be a straight up fight, or another goddamn bug hunt?"

The Acting: Bill Paxton will always be defined as the panicky, high-strung Hudson--and Michael Beihn as the stoic, trustworthy Hicks. Sigourney Weaver reprises her role as a shell-shocked mother figure turned spirit of vengeance, and the rest of the cast is nicely rounded out by well-cast character actors.

The Story: LV-426 is peopled with a "shake 'n bake" terraforming colony, which get impregnated with alien parasites. Enter Ripley and the colonial marines, whose minds are ready to kick ass, but their bodies are not willing. Neither is corporate sleazeball Paul Reiser, who wants to weaponize the aliens. Much acid blood and ass-kicking ensues.

The Direction: Cameron once said this is the movie he wished he could've seen when he was 14 years old. Since I probably saw it not too terribly far from that age, I have to agree.

Overall: A classic. It sequelized one of the greatest horror films ever made with one of the greatest action films ever made. Alien 3 tried conquering another genre--comedy of errors--less effectively. And the title gives us the best use of the letter "S" outside of Sesame Street.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 1: No Movie Can Get More Than 5 Stars, not even Deadfall. Or Aliens.
• Rule 2: Any Movie With A Deadfall Alum Automatically Gets 2 Stars--awarded to Michael Beihn. +2 stars
• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting--+1 star for Hudson. "We're in some pretty shit now!"
• Rule 5: Over The Top Acting Award--+3 stars to Hudson, again. When he looks at Newt and shouts, "Why don't you put her in charge?" it's one of the silver screen's funniest moments.
• Rule 11: Giant Robot Suits Make Good Cinema, +1 star.
• Rule 14: Cool Gun Award--I love the marine rifles, with the grenade settings and that lovely sound they make when they blast round after ineffectual round into the swarming alien horde. (Side note--they only had six alien suits in the whole movie, but it looked like a legion. Fuck CGI armies--it's called good editing, bitches.) +1 star.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--does it get any better than, "Get away from her, you bitch!"? +1 star.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good--and mushroom clouds the size of Nebraska are even better. +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * * )

"Slide!" 

Fight Club ( * * * * * )

This is the closest I've ever seen a movie get to reading like a novel. The wall to wall narration, instead of being a distraction, is a fluid element, [huge] aided by a bravura use of CGI as a camera truly unlimited by physical space. Combine the two, and the film becomes a true "mind's eye" experience that is unparalleled.

The Acting: Brad Pitt and Edward Norton kick ass--often each other's. Helena Bonham Carter plays a schitophrenic girlfriend, and Meatloaf plays what may simply turn out to be future Meatloaf.

The Story: Written by Chuck [black] Phaluniak (that spelling's close enough, I hope) the story follows a frustrated corporate drone through his Christ-like ascention to insane cult leader, and back. All he really wants is some sleep, and to keep his balls, but both of those prove to be challenges as his acolytes turn against him. This movie made me want to join a fight club for about twenty mintues after I saw it. Then I remembered I'm a pussy.

The Direction: David Fincher was unduly lauded for Se7en, an amusing but mindless depress-a-thon. Alien 3 wasn't truly his fault, but it sucked big time and was nonsensical to boot. I liked The Game a little, but it collapsed under the weight of its own premise. But this is a fucking brilliant piece of cinema. Powerful, hilarious, moving, scary--it's why movies exist.

Overall: It's [cock] excellent.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 1: No Movie Can Get More Than 5 Stars, Not Even Deadfall. Or Fight Club.
• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting, +1 star.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--I can only award 5 stars for this category, so let's call it 2 each for Brad Pitt and Edward Norton, and 1 for that white-haired wolverine-looking dude. Some actors can make me laugh out loud and want to clap just seeing them on screen. +5 stars
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good--+1 star goes to the end of modern civilization as we know it.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * * )

Blue Velvet! Take the whole family. 

Blue Velvet ( * * * * )

"...I'll send you a love letter...straight from my heart FUCKER. You know what a love letter is from me...? It's a bullet from a fucking GUN, FUCKER!!" To me, that's pure poetry.

The Acting: Fuck everything else. This is Dennis Hopper's flick. He cries, he sexually assaults, he inhales some kinda gas like a hopped-up suburban Darth Vader, he says "Fuck" about a million times, he beats the shit out of Kyle MacLaughlan, he makes Ben sing Candy Colored Clown. This is a man who hates warm beer (warm beer makes him fucking puke), enjoys a nice swatch of blue velvet, doesn't like good neighbors, but DOES like abducting women and children, and cutting off men's ears. Hopper's performance has been described as "rabid" but that's putting it too lightly.

The Story: Boy finds a human ear lying in a field. Boy finds true love. Boy gets involved in a mystery, hides in a closet, gets a hummer from Isabella Rossellini while being simultaneously threatened with a steak knife. Dean Stockwell lip-synchs Roy Orbison into a work light to the delight of a crazed sociopath and his gang...ah, why go on? We've seen this story about a billion times. Try something new for a change, Hollywood.

The Direction: David Lynch.

Overall: "Why are there people like Frank? Why is there so much trouble in this world??" Why indeed. Maybe, as Laura Dern says, it's because the robins haven't come yet. What a fucked up movie.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Dennis Hopper, +1 star
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--Dennis Hopper, +4 stars. I mean, holy shit, dude. "Baby wants to fuck?" I can't picture anyone else playing Frank Booth. He is Frank Booth.
• Rule 17: The "Don't Fuck With The Fourth Wall" Penalty--the super-fake animatronic robin at the end is supposed to symbolize Hollywood conventions or something. But it's so crappy-looking it cracks the fourth wall, and it was clearly done that way on purpose. I'll forgive the firefighters who wave as the screen as they go by, though. -2 points.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--again, Hopper. "Where's my bourbon? It's daddy shithead!" Priceless. +1 star
• Rule 35: Any David Lynch Movie With Jack Nance, +1 star
• Rule 38: The "Blind Me Now" Penalty--goes to the too-much information Kyle MacLaughlan shot as he runs into Dorothy Vallens's closet. -1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * )

Woo-hoo! 

Starship Troopers ( * * * * )

"Kill 'em all!"

The Acting: About half of the cast hails from the Beverly Hills 90210/Melrose Place school of acting, which is pitch-perfect for this story about a fascistic, post-aryan society of the future. Dina Myer is an underestimated hottie, and Denise Richards is vacant-eyed eye-candy. Johnny Rico (Our Hero) is played with an astounding lack of emotional depth by Casper Van Dien, who is now arguably the direct-to-video king of the new millennium. Suck on that, Jeff Fahey. My favorite acting comes from a trio of grizzled luminaries--Jake Busey (who is prematurely grizzled), Clancy "I Voice Lex Luthor" Brown, and the great Michael Ironside, who is incapable of uttering a line without absolute conviction and a fair dosage of menace.

The Story: highly evolved but nontechnologically-inclined bugs attack earth, and the humans send off their only voters to die in a bloody ground war. I read the book--it was kind of lame--but it did explain better why they didn't just nuke them all from space. Something to do about being stupid idiots.

The Direction: Paul Verhoeven does it again. He claims this film was based on his experiences in the Dutch army, but did he ever get naked with Dina Myer in a co-ed shower? Verhoeven is so hardcore that every amputee in Hollywood got a job as a corpse during news footage scenes, and many got to relive having their arms/legs taken off during visual effects shots. Ha ha! I luuv it!

Overall: The movie has Doogie Howser as a Nazi S.S. officer. What's not to love? Well, try seeing it in a theater while sitting next to a complete sociopath, who chuckles evilly and/or makes erotic sighing noises whenever people's arms are melted off by alien napalm, yet who groans in impatience and curses the screen during (to him) excruciatingly boring character development scenes. Because that was my experience. I hate theaters.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Caper Van Dien, -1 star
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Michael Ironside, +4 stars--Clancy Brown, +1 star
• Rule 7: Cameo By Human Intestines, +1 star--I mean, I can only assume. There were body parts lying all over the fucking place.
• Rule 13: Spawned A Shitty TV Series Penalty--Called Roughnecks, isn't it? One of those ne plus ultra shitty CG animated shows? Yeah, -1 star.
• Rule 16: The Paul Verhoeven "More Blood!" Award--the guy should get a lifetime achievement award or somethin'. There's even gooey green alien blood. But it made me sad when Dizzy died. +1 star.
• Rule 38: The "Blind Me Now" Penalty--goes to the co-ed shower scene. You takes the bad with the good. -1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * )

Stop me if you've heard this one: "A nun walks into an Abel Ferrara movie..."

Bad Lieutenant ( * * * )

"How 'bout you do a little something for me, I'll do a little something for you."

The Acting: Keitel--and his weiner--act up a storm in this deeply, deeply fucked up and disturbing Abel Ferrara joint. Harvey Keitel takes every form of drug known to man while cruising the city fucking up police investigations and gambling his life away. It's an incredibly powerful performance.

The Story: A nun gets raped and Bad Lieutenant is on the case. But he's too busy losing his shirt over the World Series and cursing Darryl Strawberry and shooting his radio to think straight, and he wakes up in weird places. When he's on the job, he steals and threatens people's lives, even blackmails two high school girls in a car into simulating a blowjob for him while he jerks off on their door. What a guy. When he finds the rapists (after having a protracted, angry discussion with Jesus in a church where he asks our lord, "where were you?") he proceeds to...well, it's kind of a twist ending, so I won't give it away.

The Direction: I like Abel Ferrara. Watching this movie is like taking a beating, but in a good kind of way. His King of New York features a terrific performance by Christopher Walken. Hell, he even directed the pilot episode of Michael Mann's Crime Story, probably the best show of the 1980's.

Overall: To quote Keitel: WooowOOoowOWooowoOOOOO!

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--Keitel gets +5 stars. His performance is nothing short of groundbreaking.
• Rule 38: The "Blind Me Now" Penalty--full-on Keitel nudity is -1 for showing a naked dude, plus another -1 for the fact that it's frontal. But props to the man for fearlessness, cuz he ain't really showin' off.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * )

Reviewing the formula for success, Egon finds out he forgot to carry the two.

Ghostbusters 2 ( * * )

"Who you gonna call?" "He-man!!"

The Acting: Ernie Hudson shaves off his moustache and everyone else takes it down a notch for this flaccid-as-mood-slime sequel. Babies and a friendly ghost (an extremely fake-looking Slimer) signal the untimely end of a franchise. I always hoped they would have another movie where they go international and have chapters around the world, with ghostbusters in Japan fighting a Godzilla ghost and a west coast chapter of the Ghostbusters that could cameo Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, Martin Short and Eddie Murphy. I can still dream...

The Story: When they rappel down into the sewers and see the river of slime, you can almost see a shark jumping out of the slime...

The Direction: Languid, heavy-handed, and dull. But the cast is too good to keep down, and occasionally Bill Murray or Harold Ramis remind you of an echo of the thrill of seeing the first film. At the end Ernie Hudson should have shouted, "I like this town!...sort of."

Overall: The Real Ghostbusters cartoon was generally funnier and more involving. After this movie came out, I even started to cut that other Ghostbusters cartoon some slack--you know, the one with the big monkey.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 11: Giant Robots Make Good Cinema--Hey, the Statue of Liberty is an artificially-animated metal woman who steps on cars, I'd say that's close enough. +1 star.
• Rule 14: Cool Gun Award--the new slime-sprayer is an amusing addition to the Ghostbusters arsenal. +1 star

Tredekka Score: ( * * )

"Hey there...BLONDIE." 

Die Hard With A Vengeance ( * * * * )

Is it a better Sam Jackson/Bruce Willis team-up than Pulp Fiction or Loaded Weapon 1? I would have to say yes.

The Acting: Sam Jackson, who reinvented and perfected the Angry Black Man, is excellent as Zeus, who doesn't hate New York cop John McClane because he's white, but because he's going to get Zeus killed. Willis reteams with Alan Rickman via flashback, and I'd like to add that I only approve of flashbacks from other movies when it's the same director doing both movies. Otherwise, it's hella cheesy. Bonnie Bedelia is played convincingly by a telephone, which has about as much emotional gravitas.

The Story: A sinister Jeremy Irons steals more gold than Fort Knox, and the screenwriter Jonathan Hensleigh basically cut and pasted the plot from his failed screenplay "Simon Says" onto the first forty minutes. He said on the commentary that he got in trouble with the FBI for coming up with the plot, mainly because they'd never thought of terrorists using the pipelines to get into New York.

The Direction: McTiernan is back to prime form, in a non-Christmas, non-Wife-in-Peril Die Hard. But where's the love? No Reggie V? What, did the twinkies finally kill him?

Overall: This one has a terrific supporting cast, as we get to meet McClane's coworkers, all of whom are cool, even his captain. They easily could have gone the other way where everyone in the world was against him, but that's a tired formula and they knew it. Kudos.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Alan Rickman, briefly, still earns +1 star.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to Jeremy Irons, who's nowhere near his Dungeons and Dragons pitch, but damn, only Cage in Deadfall beats that. +1 star.
• Rule 7: Cameo by Human Intestines--unfortunately, I can't award this to the movie, even though a guy gets cut in half through his midsection and Willis and Jackson each drag one half away. +0 stars.
• Rule 12: Dodged The Pretentious Bullet Award--Die Hard With A Vengeance? Starring Hans Gruber's brother? A straight revenge story?? Nope. It's another robbery. Thank god. If it was a straight revenge story, they'd get Michael Caine from Jaws 4. +1 star.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--goes to Willis, who stands half-naked in Harlem wearing a sign saying "I Hate Niggers" in his very second scene. They had to digitally add those words to the sign, no surprise. +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * )

These days terrorism is a big problem in airports. Luckily, doddering old women still get to carry tasers in their purses onto the planes to protect themselves. 

Die Hard 2: Die Harder ( * * * )

Or as Sideshow Bob would say, "The Hard 2: The Harder." Fresh off of principal photography for the Yello-scored Adventures of Ford Fairlane, the all-but-unintelligible Renny Harlin made his mark on Hollywood with this film while simultaneously setting the stage for all of the adult action cartoons to follow in the 1990's. I remember trying to get in to see this rated R movie, and for one of two times in my life they wouldn't let me because I was a minor, so I went to see Gremlins 2: The New Batch, instead. See, this wasn't the first decade where every other movie was a sequel to something...

The Acting: Series regulars Bonnie Bedelia, William ("This man has no dick") Atherton, and Reggie V. himself, Reginald VelJohnson, team up with Bruce Willis for the second--and last--time. Great performances by John Amos and Senator Fred D. Thompson (R., Tennesee), not to mention the great William Sadler, who gets nekkid.

The Story: How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice? More importantly, how can a cargo plane have an ejector seat? Fuck it. It's Die Hard, baby! And it's got great edited for TV speak (You know, like in Fargo when Steve Buscemi talks about "Simple fucking instructions" and they change it to "Simple fruitful instructions"? Well in Die Hard 2, "Yippie Kay-Ay motherfucker" becomes "Yippie Kay-Ay, Mister Falcon" [!!!] and "You're not such an asshole after all" becomes "You're not such a rascal after all" to which John Amos responds, "I'm a rascal. I'm just your kind of rascal." Priceless.)

The Direction: Renny delivers, as he quite often does. He's a Hollywood workhorse, as far as I'm concerned--not the most talented, but he entertains. People swear and smoke gratuitiously, and British airplanes flown by Colm Meaney crash, killing hundreds. They'd never make this movie today.

Overall: I enjoyed the Robert Patrick cameo and the fact that Bonnie Bedelia is the only girl in the world not too grossed out by Willis to touch him when he gets all bloody. That's love. This also has the most nonsensical one-liner of the great heyday of action movies (the era being, of course, late 80's, early 90's): "Hey Carmine. Which sets off the metal detectors first: the lead in your ass or the shit in your brains?" Gentle No Voices... readers, if you can figure that out, I invite you to post a comment on the Blogger page. Cuz I don't have a fucking clue.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--John Lequizamo, -1 star
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--William Sadler, +1 star
• Rule 6: The Over The Top Acting Award--+1 point goes to William Sadler as the vicious Col. Stewart ("Weee've got ya...") and +1 to Willis for humanizing the ludicrous content of this movie.
• Rule 14: The Cool Gun Award--goes to the red and blue ammo guns used by the bad guys. It's sweet both visually and as a kick-ass plot device. +1 star
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings are Good, +1 star
• Rule 38 (NEW RULE): The "Blind Me Now" Penalty: Any Film That Prominently Features A Naked Dude, -1 star

Tredekka Score: ( * * * )

These guys are totally wacky!!! You know what else was wacky??? That time Bruce Wayne saw his parents gunned down in front of him as a child, instilling an unquenchable thirst for vengence. Kidding!!! Ha ha!!! Look at their wacky hair!!! 

Batman Forever (ZERO STARS)

You ever been sittin' on your couch, flippin' through channels really late at night, and you find some piece of shit movie, and you start watching it cuz you're too tired to floss or whatever you need to do before going to bed? And you're like, this is a shitty movie, but I"m watchin' it, and your whole body is suffused with too much laziness to turn away? I had that feeling in a movie theater once. After paying good money to see this opening night (Lost Boys was good--who knew?) I quickly realized I had been had. But I sat there and took it. A couple years or so later, I thought, maybe it's not so bad--so I watched it on a borrowed tape. Still bad. It will always be bad. It's by Joel Shitmaker.

The Acting: Set all acting controls to autopilot...engage! Sorry, Tommy Lee Jones (who did the movie to impress his kid, see Tredekka Rule 28 below) puts on quite a show as the race-changing Harvey Dent/Two Face, played by Billy Dee Williams in Batman. Jim Carrey delivers outrageously straight-faced camp dialogue like, "Batman you say? Coming for you? I'm counting on it!" Gaywad Chris O'Donnel has the two good lines of the movie--well, two good refernces: one to Metropolis, one to Holey Rusted Metal. And in a better movie, they wouldn't stand out as being highlights. Nicole Kidman plays a retarded psychiatrist, and poor Val Kilmer gets buried under a cowl and crappy Akiva Goldsman dialogue.

The Story: Riddle me this! What was the one riddle that the Riddler poses in this movie? That's right--his fucking name. Not the solution to a crime. Not his whereabouts. His fucking name. But he does single-handedly blow up the Batcave. Mmm...believable.

The Directon: Joel Shitmaker. Pretty much says it all.

Overall: If you like nonsensical ghostbusters effects, Batman and Robin crotch shots, and hare-brained flashback sequences, you are Joel Schumacher. So why are you reading reviews of your own movies? Go make Tigerland 2. Or better yet, Tiger Beat the movie, you fucking fag.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Jim Carrey, -1 star--Drew Barrymore, -1 star
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--it was over the top: Jim Carrey, +1 star.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good, +1 star.
• Rule 28: The "For The Kids" Penalty--goes to the whole movie, but Tommy Lee Jones in particular. -1 star.
• Rule 34: The Superhero Movie Handicap, -1 star.
• Rule 37 (NEW RULE): Any Film Directed By Joel Shitmaker, -1 star.

Tredekka Score: (ZERO STARS)

Granted, this is the hottest Michelle Pfeiffer ever looked, but I'd trade it all in for one more scene starring Bob The Goon. He was fantastic. 

Batman Returns ( * * * * )

While probably the best of the Batman movies so far (though the animated Mask of the Phantasm was quite solid and the Adam West version had the most villains so far, not to mention the advantage of Shark Repellant) there is reason to believe that Christopher Nolan's upcoming Batman film may trump it. But for now, this is arguably the quintessence of bat-excellence.

The Acting: This is where the movie shines. Michelle Pfeiffer is hot as an improved Catwoman (who is no longer a prostitute, but a revived-from-the-dead secretary); Danny Devito makes the Penguin almost scary as an animalistic, misanthropic mayor; Michael Keaton (now top billed!) gives a fairly complex view of Bruce Wayne/Batman; and best of all, Christopher Walken as CEO Max Shreck who is the most evil of all of Batman's movie supervillains, by virtue of being Christopher Walken--no costume required.

The Story: As usual, Batman is tinkering with the idea of giving up the trade, because this is a Hollywood Batman. He does get a good dig in at Alfred ("Who let Vicki Vale into the cave?") and the whole tone of the movie is generally darker and Burtonesque (even Paul Reubens makes a cameo). Christmas in Gotham is threatened by clowns and supervillains, and Batman saves the day. You know that scream "The Wilhelm"? It's the scream you hear over and over in movies when second-rate characters bite the dust, sorta like "aaAAAAAIIiaaa!"...When Batman tosses the clown over a rail, that is my favorite use of the Wilhelm.

The Direction: Burton's vision in this film is beyond campy. When Penguin gives a rallying speech to a bunch of penguins armed with rocket launchers, its more sad and creepy than campy. Daniel Waters from Heathers provided script assistance, and the final product was Burton's best movie.

Overall: Some elements of this movie opened the door for the pure cheese to follow, but if this movie is cheese, it's a fine Brie, served ice-cold.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Christopher Walken, +4 stars. The man is an institution!
• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting--when doesn't DeVito spit in this movie? +1 star.
• Rule 34: The Superhero Movie Handicap, -1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * )

If you haven't seen Last Action Hero...that's a movie you haven't seen. 

Last Action Hero ( * )

Making this movie was a "Biiiig mistake."

The Acting: This is definitely the It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World of the late eighties, early nineties action genre. You got cameos by Hammer, Chevy Chase, Jim Belushi, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Robert Patrick, Sharon Stone, Sven-Ole Thorsen (a ubiquitious bad guy), the voice of Danny Devito as the animated Detective Whiskers, Tom Noonan as The Ripper, Charles Dance (The excellent bad guy from The Golden Child) as the villain Benedict, and Anthony Quinn as a metaphor-mixing druglord Tony Vivaldi. They're not afraid to rub your nose in the details, either. When the kid makes a Die Hard reference, cue up some Die Hard music. When they talk about Vivaldi, cue up some Vivaldi. F. Murray Abraham, who played Salieri in Amadeus, is accused of being "the guy who killed Mozart" to which he replies, "Mo who?" For sheer spectacle, it's hard to beat.

The Story: Chief Wiggum said it best when he made the comment, "Golden ticket my ass, McBain." A snot-nose kid gets transported into a Schwarzenegger movie by Art Carnie, where he gets kissed by Bridgette Wilson, threatened by crimelords, and he teams up with his hero, Ah-nuld, who hates his life. Dance escapes into the real world, where there is a delightful scene where he shoots someone and announces to the populace of New York City, "I've just shot someone and I'd like to confess!" And somebody shouts, "Shut up down there!" Proving that in the real world, bad guys can win. Except...in the real world there aren't magic tickets that release Ian McKellan as Death from The Seventh Seal into the streets of New York, and none of the physics (including a blatant wire-stunt where the kid is thrown onto the roof of a building) are remotely realistic. Plus, if the kid is in a Schwarzenegger movie, why is there also an animated cat there? But as sheer spectacle, uh....that's really all it amounts to, come ot think of it.

The Direction: McTiernan was the man for the job, but the job should've been a direct-to-video Treat Williams movie.

Overall: The captain's screaming diatribe can only be fully enjoyed with the captions on. Something about "I got the California Raisins doing an all-male version of the Diary of Anne Frank" and "I got the Save-The-Eagle Foundation doing the tango up my Hershey Highway." It's surreal. And this is the film that gave us Arnold's greatest line: "To be or not to be...what a question."

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Tom Noonan, +1 star, Charles Dance, +1 star
• Rule 17: The "Don't Fuck With The Fourth Wall" Penalty--doesn't really apply, since that's all they do in this movie, and they make that clear from the premise. But then again, nobody can fuck with the fourth wall this much and get away with it totally. -1 star.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--goes to the thugs in cars who attack Arnie as he drives through LA. There's no reason for it, and that's why it works. +1 star. Ian McKellan's Death is kind of cool too, the way his scythe comes out of a movie screen 3D style.
• Rule 28: The "For The Kids!" Penalty--why oh why does this movie need a spielberg brat? Wouldn't it be much funnier if it was a twenty-something loser like a real Schwarzenneger fan along for the action? That is, if comedy is the chosen genre. Only a French philosopher could figure out what genre this is supposed to be...-1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * )

"Toasteee!!" 

Mortal Kombat ( * * * )

This movie is dumb, but I remember it fondly nonetheless.

The Acting: Christopher Lambert crawled out from whatever rock he'd been under to portray Rayden, who is actually Asian, so this movie brought back the good old days when Richard Lancaster could put on some chinky makeup to play other races. Bit and/or second rate actors fill out most of the cast, including Bridget Wilson, who was more convincing as an ass-kicker when she punched out Adam Sandler in Billy Madison. But the highlight has got to be Trevor Goddard as Kano. Just thinking of his over-the-top-ness makes me grin "ear...to ear."

The Story: "A handful of people on the leaky boat are gonna save the world?" "Exactly."

The Direction: The stop-motion Goro was probably the last gasp of pre-CGI acting, which is maybe a good thing in a way. The movie is effects heavy and plot light, but it's based on a video game. They can't all be Shakespearean epics like Street Fighter.

Overall: Trevor dies with his head locked in Bridget Wilson's legs in this movie. Unfortunately, he died differently in real life.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Trevor Goddard, +5 stars.
• Rule 13: Spawned A Shitty TV Series Penalty--not that the short-lived show ever played during daylight hours, but...-1 star.
• Rule 17: The "Don't Fuck With The Fourth Wall Penalty"--goes to the time when Johnny Cage beats Scorpion (which is ridonculous in itself, much less when he beats Goro later on, even though that later scene does involve Goro-crotch-punching) and then leaves a signed photo of himself, a la his "Friendship" finishing move in the game. Say "cheese!" -1 star.
• Rule 36 (NEW RULE): The Unfair Game Rule: Any Movie Based On A Game Gets -1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * )

Somebody stop him before he reenacts that creepy Queen album cover!! 

The Iron Giant ( * * * )

This movie is head, shoulders, and alien gun turrets over any recent Disney fare, and by recent I mean since Aladdin.

The Acting: Best roles of Vin Diesel's and Jennifer Aniston's careers.

The Story: Big robot befriends boy, almost destroys Earth, but is redeemed by the Superman mythos, which they could actually use because it's Warner Bros.--sweet. By the time the Iron Giant morphs into a killing machine, you get to kinda liking him the way he was, as Hoghug's simple-headed friend. Setting it during the heart of the cold war was inspired.

The Direction: Brad Bird, who just did The Incredibles for Pixar, has a real sense of characterization and pacing and all that other crap that the Disneys and the George Lucases of the world are utterly devoid of.

Overall: Rent or buy it today! Or, failing that (if you've already seen it) just take a second to go...ahhh....good flick. Then you can go back to your usual daydreams of sunny Jamaica.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 11: Giant Robots Make Good Cinema, +1 point
• Rule 14: Cool Gun Award--actually, all of the Iron Giant's hidden armament is kick-ass. +1 point.
• Rule 30: Any animated film gets a pity star for the effort--you know, because they usually don't budget for human intestines, spitting, "MORE BLOOD!" or hot lesbian kissing. +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * )

Because sword-fighting is such an important skill to master when your chief enemy is 9000 pound, laser-having, bomb-lodging robots. 

The Animatrix ( * * )

What is the Animatrix? The last thing I'm gonna review from a deader-than-dead franchise...

The Acting: It's animated, so the acting is more animated than in the movies, both literally and figuratively. Some of the cast--Keanu and Carrie Anne-Moss--return for bland voice work.

The Story: I don't generally like anthologies, and this is no exception. About half of the shorts are good, particularly "The Second Renaissance" Parts 1 and 2 by the director of Blue Submarine No. 6. They're darker than Heavy Metal and The Lion King combined. Two of the shorts were directed by Shinichirô Watanabe, director of the excellent Cowboy Bebop series, and they are unfortunately utterly forgettable.

The Direction: "Matriculated" by Peter Chung (Aeon Flux) is more colorful and beautifully animated than any Disney film of the last fifteen years. But to quote Venture Brothers, "World Record" which is about an olympic runner and looks like it was concepted by Rob Liefeld at age 9, looks like "a dried out turd on a bad stretch of road." "Beyond" has a cute anime chick in her underwear, but the whole fucking thing gets waaaay too preachy and or/self importantly esoteric. Yeah, I said it.

Overall: Every town has two malls, a good mall and the other mall. It's the animation equivalent of going to "the other mall" and it leaves the same bad aftertaste in your mouth. Never eat at the other mall.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 11: Giant Robots Make Good Cinema--+1 star to the big pyramid robot who deals out death in The Second Renaissance Part 2.
• Rule 12: Dodged The Pretentious Bullet Award--Well, some did, some definitely didn't. But those that didn't made me think, some interesting things could be done with this material. Just not in a Matrix movie. +1 star.
• Rule 26: All Prequels Suck, -1 star
• Rule 30: Any Animated Film Gets A Pity Star for the Effort, +1 star

Tredekka Score: ( * * )

There's lots of stunts and wirework in Kill Bill vol. 1, but the biggest stunt is when David Carradine and Daryl Hannah get to ask, "Wire we working?"

Kill Bill Vol. 1 ( * * * * )

I hear that Quentin Tarantino's next movie will be another kung-fu film, this one shot entirely in Mandarin. Sounds good to me.

The Acting: Uma Thurman acts her heart out as the nameless (until Vol. 2) Bride who is shot during her wedding rehearsal along with her husband, the party, and the bad motherfucking organist. Lucy Liu is cwazy as a crosseyed Yakuza boss. Stealing the show is "Special Guest Star" Sonny Chiba as a retired swordmaker cum sushi chef. As usual for Q.T., the soundtrack is yet another character in the film. David Carradine is a phantom menace, while Daryl Hannah plays Ellie Driver, A.K.A. The California Mountain Skank.

The Story: Revenge and assassination stories are great because they're so uncomplicated. They're like zombie or survivalist stories, where the objective is merely to live. Except that, in the case of the former, the objective is merely to kill. And maybe live as a bonus. The Bride does her share of killing, including a dazzling knife-fight scene early on. The bloodbath at the House of Blue Leaves is one of cinema's finest moments, if geysers of blood is your thing.

The Direction: Jackie Brown sucked balls. So did Kill Bill Vol. 2. But this is a fully complete, self-enclosed movie that makes me think maybe every other movie Q.T. does will be great. You know, like the way only the even-numbered Star Trek movies were good for the first six? Actually, it's so self-contained, if there wasn't a cliffhanger line at the end about her daughter, then Bill would have been the kung-fu version of Waiting For Godot. Okay...add "Kung-fu version of Waiting For Godot" to the top ten list of the most fucked-up things I've ever written.

Overall: Finally a film even Paul Verhoeven can watch and say, "Okay...that's enough blood."

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Michael Madsen, +1 star, Michael Parks, +1 star
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--Uma Thurman is like a freakish force of nature. Hell, she's even kinda hot in her Bruce Lee yellow bike suit. +1 stars
• Rule 16: The Paul Verhoeven "More Blood!" award--you've earned it, Tarantino...in a big way. And let this be a lesson to you other Hollywood directors out there: spray it don't say it. +1 star.
• Rule 17: The "Don't Fuck With The Fourth Wall" Penalty--goes to people walking around with Samurai swords in the airport and on planes. My willful suspension of disbelief was sliced neatly in half at that point. -1 star.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--goes to morningstar-weilding Go-Go Yubari, who long-distance telegraphs a teriffic final battle as she casually walks down the stairs and tells Uma "you can beg better than that." +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * )

"Ooooh, is this that grody part where that guy's hanging skinless from the trees? Shit, baby, I can't watch!!" 

Predator ( * * * * )

Thus ends the Ah-nuld tryptic.

The Acting: Sweeeeet! Can the writer of Lethal Weapon (Shane Black), The director of A Rage In Harlem (Bill Duke), Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers) and two United States governors defeat an alien hunter on a rampage? "If it bleeds, we can kill it," says one governor. "I ain't got time to bleed," says another governor. Easily the best two lines about bleeding spoken by two governors in the same movie. And Kevin Peter Hall, TV's lovable bigfoot, here makes his debut as the outer-space killing machine.

The Story: "We're not assassins," claims Arnold early in the movie, and it's but the first of many lies. They kill an entire compound's worth of South American soldiers before getting wiped out by the brutal predator, who is drawn by heat and conflict to make trophies of men's skulls. Arnie must devolve to stop him, and fortunately he doesn't have far to go.

The Direction: John McTiernan, who went on to helm Die Hard and The Hunt for Red October, soon proves he's got more chops than any other action director of the eighties.

Overall: "I'm gonna have me some fun!"--Me too, Bill Duke...next time I watch Predator, that is!

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Kevin Peter Hall, +1 star--Jesse Ventura, +1 stars
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--"Kill me! Ovah here!" Ahh, thanks Schwarzenegger. Hope I spelled your name right all those times. +1 star
• Rule 14: Cool Gun Award, +1 star. Love them mini-guns. Jesse Ventura is the only other guy besides Schwarzenegger who I believe could use one of those and not have his arm ripped off by the force. Just him and Bill Duke, who should get an award for most dramatic use of a cheap bic razor.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * )

I have nothing funny to say about this. Terminators aren't funny. 

Terminator 2: Judgement Day ( * * * * )

After seeing Arnold campaigning for Bush last week, it occurred to me that maybe Skynet was a codename for Haliburton.

The Acting: This movie has the best acting by everyone who's in it. Joe Morton's dying mouth-breathing is kick-ass. Linda Hamilton is oddly buff and strangely hot. Edward Furlong, whose name is forever ruined by that one time Rosie Perez pronounced it "EH-WAW FUH-WAW" at some awards show--was an unknown non-actor whose career was launched and peaked with the role of future resistance leader John Conner, later played by Michael "The Man From Another Place" Anderson from Twin Peaks. Robert Patrick, a Roger Corman find, is excellent as the insanely focused and wryly evil T-1000.

The Story: I loved the first Terminator. But this follow-up matches and even exceeds the original in scope, if not in originality. Mostly car chases and shootouts, there are touching scenes of familial bonding and chilling nightmares of nuclear annihilation.

The Direction: Maybe I'm a sucker, but Cameron had me hooked when I saw the T-800's leering skull-like face coming out of the flames during the opening credits. His stunts are awesome, his gags work, his actors went through hell and it shows on screen. But with a T-800 on the good guy's side, some of the edge is taken off of the suspense of the original.

Overall: Best Beihn-less movie ever.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to Robert Patrick/T-1000. Who knew liquid metal could be so cool? +1 star.
• Rule 14: Cool Gun Award--Only Schwarzenegger could weild a mini-gun by hand and make it seem remotely plausible. +1 star.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--goes to, "Give me your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle." +1 star.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good, +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * )

Those titties are MENSA members. 

Total Recall ( * * * * )

Remember when movies were good?

The Acting: Schwarzenegger is awesomely miscast as a mild-mannered construction worker who wants to escape from his life, even though he's banging Sharon Stone when she was back in her prime. Michael Ironside makes any movie he's in kick-ass, and Robocop's Ronny Cox plays another deliciously evil Verhoeven villain. What's not to like? Maybe Robert Picardo as Johnny Cab. He's creepy.

The Story: Blue skies on mars? Aliens? Corn flakes? Does the story matter? It's Paul Verhoeven we're talking about. He could make a movie about Vegas showgirls good. Oh, wait...

The Direction: Ah, the subtle irony and delicate touches. I love it. Like when Arnie bloodily and pnuematically drills--or "screws"--a vehicle and its lone driver, screaming, "Benny! Screwwww youuu!!" That's storytelling for ya.

Overall: "Quaid, start the reactor"--"See you at the party Richtor!"--"Get ready for a surprise!"--"Ha ha ha--you think I'm the real Quaid? I am!"--"I bet she hated every minute of it"--"You do as your told: THAT'S what you do!"--"Man, I got five kids to feed."--"If I'm not me, who the hell am I?" If you don't remember at least three of those lines, it's been too long since you've seen Total Recall. Time to get your ass to Mars.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Michael Ironside, a whopping +4 stars.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to Kuato. When he shows up out of that dude's body, the whole fucking movie goes over the top. +1 star.
• Rule 13: Spawned A Shitty TV Series Penalty, -1 star.
• Rule 16: The Paul Verhoeven "More Blood!" Award--obviously, +1 star, because this is the movie that elucidated the Dutch genius's directorial style. According to Sharon Stone in an interview, he would all the time say on the set, "More blood! More blood!"
• Rule 17: The "Don't Fuck With The Fourth Wall" Penalty--the science in this movie is so laughably bad (an ice core on mars, people depressurizing without getting the bends, uh...Kuato) that it tests the boundaries of disbelief. But I still love it. -1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * )

The leader of the "Grey" Company from Frighteners 2: The Return Of The King. 

The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King ( * )

If you need any further proof that the Academy Awards are idiotic, look at the way they give pity or lifetime achievement awards to movies that don't deserve them. The first Lord of the Rings was the best movie of its year--but even back then people were saying, "They'll probably wait till the third movie and have the oscar count for all three" or whatever. With the Godfather films, the first two won because they were good and the third didn't win because it wasn't good. But that kind of thinking is dangerously uncomplicated, I guess. Now to review this "Best Picture"...

The Acting: The characters are iconic and archetypal. So really, why have good acting.

The Story: We get some more of Gollum's backstory that feels like a Special Edition scene where he kills his fishing buddy. This is so that Andy Serkis can actually act as Smeagol so that he can be nominated for best supporting actor. The movie has costumes and it is too long, which explains the best picture nod to begin with. The trilogy almost gets to the end, where the hobbits retake the Shire, but they had too much useless Gollum shit and useless Arwen shit and useless Theoden bonding with Eowyn shit to bother getting to the point of the whole series, so instead we see a bunch of sad hobbits sitting around a bar saying, "Yeah, I used to save the world--it's a tough racket." [Then make drinky drinky motion].

The Direction: The concept of the Eye of Sauron was always too vague for me. It's an eye, but does it really see things? Oh, wait, there's a spotlight coming out of it. Now I get it. Ass.

Overall: Take a good story. Dumb it down by making the subtext (will Gollum betray us and trick Frodo?) and turn it into the text. (Yes, he does, and he sprinkles crackers all over the place and is real obvious about it.) Rip off scenes from Aliens ("Get away from her you bitch!") and Alien 3 (Gollum clutching at his precious as he falls into the lava). Win Oscar. Remake King Kong. Rinse. Repeat.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Gollum, -2 stars.
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Christopher Lee, +1 star. I know, I know, he's not in the movie. But he'll be in the Platinum Edition DVD. That's good enough for the moviegoing public, so that's good enough for me.
• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting--Shelob, +1 star. But you got beat up by a fat hobbit. You suck.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to The One Ring, for its Shakespearean death scene where it won't fall through the lava skin. My god the tension in that scene!!!...wasn't there. +1 star. Another +1 star goes to Elijah Wood, for being more gay than I thought possible. It wasn't when he hugged everyone goodbye, or even when he kissed Sam goodbye, but he gave Sam a look after he kissed him that was so gay I fully expected some hobbit tongue-kissing. But that'll have to wait for the Platinum Edition DVD.
• Rule 20: Don't Give Me A Headache--or an assache. This movie's too long. Maybe they'll shorten it up on the Platinum Edition DVD to be a watchable length. No? An hour longer? Sheeeit. Have a fun weekend. -1 star.
• Rule 23: Master And Command Your Title, Stupid, -1 star.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good, +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * )

"Squeal like a pig, Hobbit--squeeeeeaal!!" 

The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers ( * )

I think this is still one of the top ten highest grossing films in history worldwide. So a lot of people like it. But people can be fooled. I mean, everybody used to think the world was flat, and that was only a half-truth at best.

The Acting: Subtract your two best performers in movie one, Sean Bean and Ian Holm. Add three sucks named Bernard Hill, Miranda Otto and David Wenham. And fucking Gollum. Add Smeagol, too, since his shitty split personality gets so much screen time. (Ask yourself, why is so much time spent establishing Gollum's split personality? It's not to create tension. We know he's going to stay evil because this is a fantasy movie and he looks evil. It's not to advance the plot, because despite all his inner conflict, he fucks everybody in the end anyway. I think he gets extra screen time just so WETA can prove they do better effects than ILM now. Fine. We get it.)

The Story: Like I said before, movie one covered book one, the first chapter of book 2, and the relevant portions of the Hobbit and the Silmarillion. Movie two only covers the story from chapter 2 of book two to about the halfway point, not even including Shelob. They would've had time if they'd left out half of Gollum's histrionic acting and Frodo's diversion to Gondor, which didn't happen in the book and shouldn't've happened in the movie for two reasons: 1) it makes Faramir a cocksucker for kidnapping Frodo, when he was one of the coolest characters in the book and 2) it creates a massive, unpluggable plothole in the trilogy, because a ringwraith sees that Frodo has the ring, which means that Sauron sees the ring, which means that none of the events in the third movie make sense anymore because tactically, Sauron would have poured all his forces into Gondor immediately to get his ring. And Sam's new speech at the end? Wowbobwow. What a bunch of corny faggot bullshit.

The Direction: The first movie had a lot of heart. This one has a lot of CGI orcs fighting to get up on CGI walls. And that's the best part of the movie. Nice little touches like Legolas doing XXXtreme sports with a shield guaratee that the film will be quickly dated. And fuck you, Peter Jackson, for putting your kids in it again, and fuck you also for Arwen's phony false crisis. The fucking original books aren't long enough, you gotta add your two pennies? Sheeit.

Overall: Least favorite part of the movie? King Theoden's magical beard trim when he gets cured by Gandalf and starts acting "younger". That was the part where Peter Jackson became George Lucas. Peter Jackson from film one would've let the poor guy do some actual acting, and rise up out of his sickness dramatically, instead of making CGI and bad makeup effects act for him. Where's the love?

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Gollum, -2 stars. Even the flipping around ninja Yoda was a more subdued thespian.
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Christopher Lee, who does more good acting with one raised eyebrow when he learns there's children in the caravan going to Helm's Deep than everyone else in the film combined. +1 star.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--I didn't like it, but if Gollum's not over the top, the words have no meaning. I was expecting him to start shouting about "fucking hangers" like Nic Cage in Deadfall. +2 stars. I will also award +1 star to the horse that Legolas ridiculously floats onto, for not laughing.
• Rule 23: Master And Command Your Title, Stupid, -1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * )