The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King ( * )

If you need any further proof that the Academy Awards are idiotic, look at the way they give pity or lifetime achievement awards to movies that don't deserve them. The first Lord of the Rings was the best movie of its year--but even back then people were saying, "They'll probably wait till the third movie and have the oscar count for all three" or whatever. With the Godfather films, the first two won because they were good and the third didn't win because it wasn't good. But that kind of thinking is dangerously uncomplicated, I guess. Now to review this "Best Picture"...

The Acting: The characters are iconic and archetypal. So really, why have good acting.

The Story: We get some more of Gollum's backstory that feels like a Special Edition scene where he kills his fishing buddy. This is so that Andy Serkis can actually act as Smeagol so that he can be nominated for best supporting actor. The movie has costumes and it is too long, which explains the best picture nod to begin with. The trilogy almost gets to the end, where the hobbits retake the Shire, but they had too much useless Gollum shit and useless Arwen shit and useless Theoden bonding with Eowyn shit to bother getting to the point of the whole series, so instead we see a bunch of sad hobbits sitting around a bar saying, "Yeah, I used to save the world--it's a tough racket." [Then make drinky drinky motion].

The Direction: The concept of the Eye of Sauron was always too vague for me. It's an eye, but does it really see things? Oh, wait, there's a spotlight coming out of it. Now I get it. Ass.

Overall: Take a good story. Dumb it down by making the subtext (will Gollum betray us and trick Frodo?) and turn it into the text. (Yes, he does, and he sprinkles crackers all over the place and is real obvious about it.) Rip off scenes from Aliens ("Get away from her you bitch!") and Alien 3 (Gollum clutching at his precious as he falls into the lava). Win Oscar. Remake King Kong. Rinse. Repeat.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Gollum, -2 stars.
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Christopher Lee, +1 star. I know, I know, he's not in the movie. But he'll be in the Platinum Edition DVD. That's good enough for the moviegoing public, so that's good enough for me.
• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting--Shelob, +1 star. But you got beat up by a fat hobbit. You suck.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to The One Ring, for its Shakespearean death scene where it won't fall through the lava skin. My god the tension in that scene!!!...wasn't there. +1 star. Another +1 star goes to Elijah Wood, for being more gay than I thought possible. It wasn't when he hugged everyone goodbye, or even when he kissed Sam goodbye, but he gave Sam a look after he kissed him that was so gay I fully expected some hobbit tongue-kissing. But that'll have to wait for the Platinum Edition DVD.
• Rule 20: Don't Give Me A Headache--or an assache. This movie's too long. Maybe they'll shorten it up on the Platinum Edition DVD to be a watchable length. No? An hour longer? Sheeeit. Have a fun weekend. -1 star.
• Rule 23: Master And Command Your Title, Stupid, -1 star.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good, +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * )