Battle Beyond The Stars ( * )

Hoo-boy. Let's travel back in time to a time when movies weren't expensive to make. Jim Cameron worked as a set designer on this movie or something. Roger Corman crapped it out. It is a nonsensical remake of Seven Samurai/The Magnificent Seven. It has spaceships and Nancy Thompson's dad from Elm Street, John Saxon. And some deaf fuck with a mole.

The Acting: Yeeeeah...let's be nice. Hey, it's got the A-Team's George Peppard as a redneck smuggler (He's got a confederate flag on his space ship). Robert Vaughn--who looks just like that brunette chick from "Sex And The City"--plays...the same damn role he played in The Magnfiicent Seven! Who writes this shit? Oh, wait--John Sayles. He's funny.

The Story: Staight rip. A planet needs protectors from alien banditos, and they get them in the form of a bunch of alien freaks and Sybil Danning, who all band together for different reasons. The good guys' flag ship? A giant pair of testacles. But hey, Corman didn't have to prove he had balls to me. He trained every other director working in Hollywood.

The Direction: Shitty, but good enough to impress me when I was a kid. I hate kids.

Overall: A personal letdown. It's easier to view physical objects like toys or a loved one's bones with nostalgia glasses than it is to watch old movies you liked as a kid. Harder still to like as an adult? Old animation you enjoyed. Just think, in ten years there's going to be a generation of Pokemon kids thinking the same thing. About Digimon.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 24, Exploding Buildings Are Good, +1 star. A planet sort of blew up. It was sort of inhabited. Probably, there were buildings there. Oh, who am I kidding--this is a pity star. Battle beyond that star, Roger Corman.

Tredekka Score: ( * )