Godzilla 1985 ( * )

Aside from being the easiest paycheck of Raymond Burr's life, what more is there to say about Godzilla 1985? I haven't seen a lot of Godzilla films, so I can't really speak relatively to the others. There's lasers. Very big, very badly aimed lasers. And we learn that Dr. Pepper is the drink of choice in the Pentagon, but remember, that's pre-9/11.

The Acting: Raymond Burr grimaces. He listens. He narrows his eyes. He listens. Raymond Burr listens.

The Story: He looks smug. He listens. He makes a hypothesis that Godzilla is after something, and he won't leave till he gets it. No one passes this along to the Japanese, who are stuck in an international Tug-Of-Cold-War between the Americans and the Russians. I think near the end Burr observes something deep about mankind, but I forgot what it is.

The Direction: Every Godzilla movie I've ever seen moves so slowly it seems like it takes place entirely underwater. Maybe growing up on an island nation does that to people. Peter Weller kicked ass in his Robocop suit, Godzilla, so the least you could do perform the occasional clothesline manuever against a building as it tries to run by.

Overall: I was less aware of looking at models during Team America: World Police, and you can see the puppet strings in that movie. I'm starting to think that Godzilla movies are popular in the same way that God is popular. The idea just sounds so damn good, you want to love it, despite any evidence to the contrary. I mean, everyone knows that God is just some Japanese dude in a rubber suit.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to Raymond Burr, whose acting is so completely under the top that his score is inverted. I've never seen anyone listen so hard and do nothing so fast, so quick--ha--in so many seconds. +1 star.
• Rule 19: Narration Won't Save You, Bitches--I will have to deduct 1 star for the final narration, which basically tells us that nuclear holocaust, like Godzilla, is bad. No shit.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good--this is sometimes a hard rule to judge. For instance, the buldings in Armageddon didn't really explode so much as get battered by asteroids. I think one building explodes when Godzilla uses his atomic breath on it. Sure, why not. +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * )