The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers ( * )
I think this is still one of the top ten highest grossing films in history worldwide. So a lot of people like it. But people can be fooled. I mean, everybody used to think the world was flat, and that was only a half-truth at best.
The Acting: Subtract your two best performers in movie one, Sean Bean and Ian Holm. Add three sucks named Bernard Hill, Miranda Otto and David Wenham. And fucking Gollum. Add Smeagol, too, since his shitty split personality gets so much screen time. (Ask yourself, why is so much time spent establishing Gollum's split personality? It's not to create tension. We know he's going to stay evil because this is a fantasy movie and he looks evil. It's not to advance the plot, because despite all his inner conflict, he fucks everybody in the end anyway. I think he gets extra screen time just so WETA can prove they do better effects than ILM now. Fine. We get it.)
The Story: Like I said before, movie one covered book one, the first chapter of book 2, and the relevant portions of the Hobbit and the Silmarillion. Movie two only covers the story from chapter 2 of book two to about the halfway point, not even including Shelob. They would've had time if they'd left out half of Gollum's histrionic acting and Frodo's diversion to Gondor, which didn't happen in the book and shouldn't've happened in the movie for two reasons: 1) it makes Faramir a cocksucker for kidnapping Frodo, when he was one of the coolest characters in the book and 2) it creates a massive, unpluggable plothole in the trilogy, because a ringwraith sees that Frodo has the ring, which means that Sauron sees the ring, which means that none of the events in the third movie make sense anymore because tactically, Sauron would have poured all his forces into Gondor immediately to get his ring. And Sam's new speech at the end? Wowbobwow. What a bunch of corny faggot bullshit.
The Direction: The first movie had a lot of heart. This one has a lot of CGI orcs fighting to get up on CGI walls. And that's the best part of the movie. Nice little touches like Legolas doing XXXtreme sports with a shield guaratee that the film will be quickly dated. And fuck you, Peter Jackson, for putting your kids in it again, and fuck you also for Arwen's phony false crisis. The fucking original books aren't long enough, you gotta add your two pennies? Sheeit.
Overall: Least favorite part of the movie? King Theoden's magical beard trim when he gets cured by Gandalf and starts acting "younger". That was the part where Peter Jackson became George Lucas. Peter Jackson from film one would've let the poor guy do some actual acting, and rise up out of his sickness dramatically, instead of making CGI and bad makeup effects act for him. Where's the love?
Tredekka Rules:
The Acting: Subtract your two best performers in movie one, Sean Bean and Ian Holm. Add three sucks named Bernard Hill, Miranda Otto and David Wenham. And fucking Gollum. Add Smeagol, too, since his shitty split personality gets so much screen time. (Ask yourself, why is so much time spent establishing Gollum's split personality? It's not to create tension. We know he's going to stay evil because this is a fantasy movie and he looks evil. It's not to advance the plot, because despite all his inner conflict, he fucks everybody in the end anyway. I think he gets extra screen time just so WETA can prove they do better effects than ILM now. Fine. We get it.)
The Story: Like I said before, movie one covered book one, the first chapter of book 2, and the relevant portions of the Hobbit and the Silmarillion. Movie two only covers the story from chapter 2 of book two to about the halfway point, not even including Shelob. They would've had time if they'd left out half of Gollum's histrionic acting and Frodo's diversion to Gondor, which didn't happen in the book and shouldn't've happened in the movie for two reasons: 1) it makes Faramir a cocksucker for kidnapping Frodo, when he was one of the coolest characters in the book and 2) it creates a massive, unpluggable plothole in the trilogy, because a ringwraith sees that Frodo has the ring, which means that Sauron sees the ring, which means that none of the events in the third movie make sense anymore because tactically, Sauron would have poured all his forces into Gondor immediately to get his ring. And Sam's new speech at the end? Wowbobwow. What a bunch of corny faggot bullshit.
The Direction: The first movie had a lot of heart. This one has a lot of CGI orcs fighting to get up on CGI walls. And that's the best part of the movie. Nice little touches like Legolas doing XXXtreme sports with a shield guaratee that the film will be quickly dated. And fuck you, Peter Jackson, for putting your kids in it again, and fuck you also for Arwen's phony false crisis. The fucking original books aren't long enough, you gotta add your two pennies? Sheeit.
Overall: Least favorite part of the movie? King Theoden's magical beard trim when he gets cured by Gandalf and starts acting "younger". That was the part where Peter Jackson became George Lucas. Peter Jackson from film one would've let the poor guy do some actual acting, and rise up out of his sickness dramatically, instead of making CGI and bad makeup effects act for him. Where's the love?
Tredekka Rules:
- Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Gollum, -2 stars. Even the flipping around ninja Yoda was a more subdued thespian.
- Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Christopher Lee, who does more good acting with one raised eyebrow when he learns there's children in the caravan going to Helm's Deep than everyone else in the film combined. +1 star.
- Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--I didn't like it, but if Gollum's not over the top, the words have no meaning. I was expecting him to start shouting about "fucking hangers" like Nic Cage in Deadfall. +2 stars. I will also award +1 star to the horse that Legolas ridiculously floats onto, for not laughing.
- Rule 23: Master And Command Your Title, Stupid, -1 star.
Tredekka Score: ( * )
posted by Tredekka at 5:44 AM
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