He may seem scary to you and me, but Marc Singer or Michael Ironside could fuck this guy UP!! (Respect.)

Battle Beyond The Stars ( * )

Hoo-boy. Let's travel back in time to a time when movies weren't expensive to make. Jim Cameron worked as a set designer on this movie or something. Roger Corman crapped it out. It is a nonsensical remake of Seven Samurai/The Magnificent Seven. It has spaceships and Nancy Thompson's dad from Elm Street, John Saxon. And some deaf fuck with a mole.

The Acting: Yeeeeah...let's be nice. Hey, it's got the A-Team's George Peppard as a redneck smuggler (He's got a confederate flag on his space ship). Robert Vaughn--who looks just like that brunette chick from "Sex And The City"--plays...the same damn role he played in The Magnfiicent Seven! Who writes this shit? Oh, wait--John Sayles. He's funny.

The Story: Staight rip. A planet needs protectors from alien banditos, and they get them in the form of a bunch of alien freaks and Sybil Danning, who all band together for different reasons. The good guys' flag ship? A giant pair of testacles. But hey, Corman didn't have to prove he had balls to me. He trained every other director working in Hollywood.

The Direction: Shitty, but good enough to impress me when I was a kid. I hate kids.

Overall: A personal letdown. It's easier to view physical objects like toys or a loved one's bones with nostalgia glasses than it is to watch old movies you liked as a kid. Harder still to like as an adult? Old animation you enjoyed. Just think, in ten years there's going to be a generation of Pokemon kids thinking the same thing. About Digimon.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 24, Exploding Buildings Are Good, +1 star. A planet sort of blew up. It was sort of inhabited. Probably, there were buildings there. Oh, who am I kidding--this is a pity star. Battle beyond that star, Roger Corman.

Tredekka Score: ( * )

Finally, a movie about white people and their problems. 

Titanic ( * * * )

Sure, it's a $200 million chick flick, but it's also the last non-documentary movie by James Cameron. It won a bunch of Oscars, but don't let that fool you. It's actually pretty good despite that fact.

The Acting: When you're making the most expensive film in history, you cast to type and play it pretty straight.

The Story: See above. The ship sinks, we all know it sinks, that's why we're there. But Cameron's script makes the leads likeable enough where we kind of dread the third act.

The Direction: Remember that time that one guy hit the propeller of the Titanic when he fell down? That was awesome.

Overall: The cast and crew had a fish dinner poised with LSD during the making of this film, and James Cameron was often accused of being on drugs for making this movie. He was especially under fire for the long delays, but it's like he said, nobody ever said of a movie, "boy that sucked, but at least it was made on time and under budget."

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Billy Zane, -1 star.
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--David Warner +1 star. David Warner is an actor so evil, that when he played opposite Malcolm McDowell in Time After Time, David Warner played Jack The Ripper and Macolm McDowell played the good guy.
• Rule 5: Spittin = Good Acting--boy, they spit a lot in this movie. It's gross. +1 point.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to the ship. It looks good and it has a great death scene. And it only took about three FX houses to make it happen. +1 star.
• Rule 12: Dodged The Pretentious Bullet Award--They don't so much dodge the Pretentious Bullet as they do barely catch it in their teeth. It's a close call, but +1 star for making a character-driven story about man's technological hubris.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * )

That Willem Dafoe Fish is stealing roles that belong to the Tom Berenger Fish. 

Finding Nemo ( * * * )

It seems I can't go two reviews without touching on the ouvre of Willem Dafoe. So the next two will probably be I, Robot followed by The Last Temptation of Christ. In a perfect world.

The Acting: The acting is so good that you may even question Kurt Cobain's assertion that "it's okay to eat fish/'cause they don't have any feelings". Aww, I just made myself sad.

The Story: Nemo is a clownfish whose dad isn't funny, yet nevertheless travels to Sydney Austrailia to rescue him, and is even willing to put up with Ellen Degeneres while doing so. Selflessness, ye have been redefined.

The Direction: Andrew Stanton wrote and directed the film, which has some of the most photorealistic CG backgrounds yet made. 99% of the time, the story is engrossing enough where you don't ask, how are those fish holding onto things? I will never say a movie is fun for the whole family. I won't say it.

Overall: I can neither confirm nor deny that Finding Nemo is fun for the whole family. Suffice to say, it's got animation or Pixar regulars Stephen Root and John "Hey, I was in Empire Strikes Back!" Ratzenberger, as well as Geoffrey Rush in the Robin Williams role and Albert Brooks as Marlin. Albert Brooks was in a hit movie. That's just weird to me.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting. It's not really spit, but I liked the part where the whale shot Marlin and Dori out of its blowhole. It was like Die Hard With A Vengeance With Fish.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--goes to the Barracuda who massacres all of Nemo's caviar siblings. Pretty scary, if you're a fish egg, which I am. +1 point.
• Rule 30: Any Animated Film Gets A Pity Star, +1 star. Nice going, Steve Jobs. Pixar is cool.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * )

"Olaf! Metal!" 

Interview With The Vampire ( * * * )

A lot of fat goth chicks shed bitter tears when this came out, including the screenwriter and creator, Anne Rice, because Tom Cruise was too hunky to play a depressed faggot vampire. Wrong! Wrong! He's exactly hunky enough to play a depressed faggot vampire. It's like Rick James told Charlie Murphy: THE DARKNESS IS SPREADING! Fellow depressed gay vamps include Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas, and presumably Christian Slater. It's like a cross between Tiger Beat and Lost Boys. Or is that redundant?

The Acting: I don't know. Pretty gay. Check on Thandie Newton as a hot slave girl, crossing paths with Tom Cruise pre-M:I-2, if you want. It's not very exciting, in retrospect. Forget I mentioned it, actually.

The Story: Guy gets drunk. Wakes up a vampire. Mopes in Louisiana for a hundred or so years. His evil roomate kills a girl's family and turns her into a bloodsucker. Guy and the little girl kill the roomate, move to Paris, meet Stephen Rea, and one of them cuts him in half with a scythe before setting fire to him and a bunch of hot Parisian nosferatu hos. Somewhere in there, Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt almost kiss in a queesily suspenseful scene of homoeroticism that could only be written by a fat Goth chick.

The Direction: Stephen Rea is Neil Jordan's boy. He's his Michael Beihn, his De Niro, if you will. And for a guy whose face, according to one reviewer, "looks like an unmade bed" he sure is a sweet villain. Alternately capering, killing, clowning around and being generally menacing, he steals the third act of this overlong film. This was one of the first features to use CGI to mask its settings, and the fact that you can't tell is a great testament to Jordan's skill as a craftsman.

Overall: They almost make it to the end credits without having something stupid like a car driving into the side of the Golden Gate Bridge while Guns N' Roses cover "Sympathy For The Devil". So close, but so faraway.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Stephen Rea, +1 star.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--I was quoting Brad Pitt screaming, "Don't ask me to do this I cannot!" for weeks after this trailer came out. Sad, innit? +1 star.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--when a corpsefied Tom Cruise returns to torment his killers, does he start out with a hatchet or a gas can? Of course not. He'd rather play the piano and fuck with they heads. That's gangsta. +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * )

Green Goblin was a misunderstood soul. It's not all about mayhem and pumpkin bombs. It's also about love. 

Spider-Man ( * )

"Can Spider-Man come out to play?" asks Norman Osbourne's alter ego, the Green Goblin. I think he's referring to the fact that all the special effects in this enormously overrated movie resemble graphics in a Playstation game. Not Playstation 2--Playstation.

The Acting: I hate Tobey McGuire. He's a fucking muppet. Kirsten Dunst is cute, yes, but dumb as a bag of hammers. Mary Jane Watson's only supposed to be dumb as one hammer. Willem Dafoe is always enjoyable, and rises to the challenge, even though they gypped him out of a real Green Goblin costume, and instead outfit him like a foil from the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

The Story: The story's not bad, actually, except that they stole the idea for Peter Parker's web spoog coming out of his arm from the Spider-Man 2099 comic, and in both cases it doesn't make sense. Don't female spiders make the webs? Out of their ass? At least they got the rest of his origin more or less straight. Props for not having the Green Goblin kill his uncle and ask him if he ever danced with the goblin by the pale moonlight.

The Direction: Not much Sam Raimi-cam for a Sam Raimi movie. Kind of a letdown. It was also a letdown that they told James Cameron his script was too violent. Too violent? No such thing!

Overall: Peter Parker shies away from Mary Jane's sexual advances at the end, even after all of his trials and tribulations. Me, I'd think after saving all those people he could at least accept a handjob. What a stupid idot.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--Macy Gray, -1 star. I don't even really remember her being in the movie, and she's more of a suck musican than actor, but still. Cough up that ten-year backlog of phlegm before recording the next album, baby.
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Bruce Campbell, +3 stars.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--1 star goes to Willem Dafoe, who is ugly.
• Rule 13: Spawned A Shitty TV Series Penatly, -1 star. Maybe Brian Michael Bendis's comic inspired the CG show, but the movie inspired the comic, so it all comes out in the wash.
• Rule 34: The Superhero Movie Handicap, -1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * )

Die, muppets! 

Return Of The Jedi ( * * * * )

For reasons best left unsaid, I had the opportunity/obligation to watch this film, oh, about twenty times last year, mostly in a row. Again, not because I wanted to, but because I had to. That being said, it's a surprisingly solid movie, Ewoks and all.

The Acting: These are well-worn characters by now, but they're well-worn in the sense that a comfy sweater is well-worn on a cold winter's afternoon. Mark Hammil's Luke is the only character asked to really evolve here, and to that end he does. By the final duel, we believe he's a Jedi. Ian McDiarmid as the Emperor is deliciously, two-dimensionally evil. And one of my favorite characters is Admiral Ackbar, who is part fish, part Winston Churchill. As usual, every dwarf and midget actor in a five continent radius is called into the Leavesden Studios--this time to play Ewoks and a few Jawas, though the Ugnaut union is left out in the cold. Carrie Fisher proves that you can quit cocaine and not gain a lot of weight, or at least work it off in time to don a brass bikini. Not sure how C-3PO stays so skinny; maybe he got AIDS. The worst is Harrisson Ford, who phones in Han Solo 'cause he'd rather be playing Indiana Jones.

The Story: I've groused about the story before, and it does feel like it was written to sell toys, but would it really be that much better if it was darker or more serious? They could've killed Lando and Nein Nunb, but they still wouldn't've got an MTV award for it. But at least they'd be dead.

The Direction: Richard Marquand, who died of a heart attack four years after the movie released in 1983, seems an unusual choice to helm a preordained blockbuster. Despite a sagging middle and a muppet-heavy bent, he still helmed the most visually dynamic dogfight scene ever when the Rebel fleet takes on the Imperial fleet. It couldn't kick more ass.

Overall: If I never see this movie again, it'll probably be soon enough. But I'm glad it saw it those twenty or thirty times. Those were the days.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Alec Guiness, +1 star.
• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting--Nice Jedi drool, Mark Hamill. +1 star.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--"Oh, I'm afraid the deflector shield while be quite operational when your friends arrive..." Mcdiarmid makes fairly dry dialogue like that drip evil. +1 star.
• Rule 18: The Two-Headed Calf Boobie Prize--Goes to Revenge of the Jedi. Don't worry, Star Trek II: The Revenge Of Khan will get the same...-1 star.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--emulated as recently as in Team America: World Police, Luke's cloak-wearing, Gamorrean Guard-stranglin' entrance is a classic. And in its own anticlimactic way, Boba Fett's uncermonious death is a "classic" too. +1 star.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good, +1 star. Exploding Death Stars aren't bad, either.
• Rule 28: The "For The Kids!" Penalty--Minus 1 star for the fact that "Ewok" is a household word, yet it was never said in the movie. It's the "Play it again, Sam" of alien races.
• Rule 31: Lightsaber Are Sweet--and now in Berry Burst Green! +1 star

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * )

Don't forget to vote.

South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut ( * * * * )

This is, simply put, the best Hollywood musical in decades.

The Acting: Mostly Trey Parker and Matt Stone, with a few token, bizarre cameos like Brent Spiner (as Conan O'Brien), Minnie Driver (as Brooke Shields) Nick Rhodes from Duran Duran as a bomber pilot, and Stewart Copeland from the Police as a U.S. soldier. More impressive than Trey Parker's acting is his ability to sing in character. Try it sometime.

The Story: It's a war movie about the MPAA, or maybe a story about friendship, or possibly just a big excuse to do a musical that will fuck with the core audience and embarass other Hollywood musicals.

The Direction: If there's a wasted second in this movie, I haven't found it yet. Every scene builds towards a climax that strings together every Hollywood ending from Return of the Jedi to Free Willy.

Overall: Trey Parker does 90% of everything in this movie. South Park is credited as "Trey Parker and Matt Stone" but let's face it, he's the genius behind it all. After this movie came out, even South Park the series, which sucked to begin with, started to get good. Destined to be a classic.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to Trey Parker, who is voice talent for at least 20-30 roles. +1 star.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--I envy those who were surpised when Stan first shows up and starts singing about his quiet mountain town. +1 star.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good--especially the Baldwin Compound. +1 star.
• Rule 30: Any Animated Film Gets A Pity Star For The Effort, +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * )

"I teach you the Superman. Man is something that should be overcome. What have you done to overcome him?"--Friedrich Nietzsche.
 

Superman II ( * * * * * )

X-Men, The Mask, Daredevil, Batman Forever, Batman And Robin...the ranks of awful superhero movies is vast, and soon more will come...Elektra, Ghost Rider and Fantastic Four are just around the corner. Terminator 2 is probably the best comic book movie made in terms of having traditional superhero subject matter, but when it comes to superhero movies, can there be any doubt what stands as king of the hill?

The Acting: God damn there is some good acting in this movie. Like that little hillbilly boy that goes, "Paw! Paw!" Okay, maybe not him, but the three Kryptonian criminals released from the Phantom Zone--Jack O'Halloran as Non, fine Eighties actress Sarah Douglas as Ursa, and Terence Motherfucking Stamp as General Motherfucking Zod are the most badass trio of evildoers you'll ever meet. And who could stop them but Christopher Reeve as Superman? When General Zod says, "You will kneel before Zod!" and calls out "The son of our Jailor!" to a fight, you know some shit's gonna go down. And it does.

The Story: Supes wants to retire and marry Lois Lane (Margot Kidder), and he's willing to sacrfice everything to do it. But a terrorist nuke frees three nihilistic criminals with godlike powers, who do everything from walk on water and burn serpents in their new Eden to blowing away a crowd of pissed-off Metropolites to beating the shit out of Superman to doing that thing where they all point their fingers at him and shoot out white lasers, but then he throws his Superman symbol at them and does that mirage trick and--and--shit, it blows my mind just thinking about it all. What a fucking cool movie. I still get goosebumps when I think of Sarah Douglas calling out, "Supah Mon!" before whanging him with a manhole cover, or remarking to Zod, "They're like pets!"--referring, of course, to mankind.

The Direction: Richard Lester did another hit movie about four larger-than life aliens--A Hard Day's Night, starring The Beatles. But did Ringo ever punch George through a giant neon Coca-Cola sign? Okay, maybe that one time.

Overall: There's a moment in this movie where you think, shit, Supes loses. He's in the chamber to have his powers robbed for all time. Lights are flashing, and then it's done, and he comes out, and kneels before Zod, and takes his hand in a gesture of supplication. And he squeezes with his full superstrength, and Terence Stamp's expression of shock, outrage and pain is one of the best payoffs EVER. Gene Hackman's Lex Luthor is King of Australia in Superman II, but Superman II is king of a whole genre. Why does it work so well? Because Superman is treated like a three-dimensional character, and some of the choices he makes in this film are hard for kids to understand. Why does he want to give up his powers for Lois Lane? Why does he flee the battle over Metropolis? But then you grow up and appreciate that he loves Lois, and that he'd rather save lives than save face. But at the same time, Reeve is also the simple comic book hero we all want him to be. That's a near-impossible juggling act a lesser actor could never pull off.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 1: No Movie Can Get More Than 5 Stars, Not Even Deadfall. Or Superman II.
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Terence Stamp, +1 star
• Rule 5: Sptting = Good Acting--Chris Reeve gets a bloody mouth from a waffle house dude before he starts "working out." +1 star.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--1 star for each of the four Kryptonians, who give us a aerial duel that can't be replicated, even though the Matrix Revolutions tried. And 1 star goes to Margot Kidder, who's so plucky she almost gets herself killed.
• Rule 17: The "Don't Fuck With The Fourth Wall" Penalty--minus 2 stars for winking at the camera.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--actually, this goes to Superman's reentry in the middle of the film, when he asks Zod to "step outside" while hovering several stories above the city street. Kick...ass. +1 star.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good, +1 star.
• Rule 34: The Superhero Movie Handicap, -1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * * )

"Eww, gross. Girls are gross." 

X-Men (ZERO STARS)

First off, Bryan Singer is gay. Quite literally homosexual. Now, I'm not overly sensitive about things as a rule, but I'm not a homophobe. There've been some kick-ass queers in the entertainment industry--Tennessee Williams, Rock Hudson, Raymond Burr, Michelangelo (Hell, "David" may be the greatest piece of art made by human effort, and it's got a schlong)...supposedly even badasses like Alec Guiness and Marlon Brando were bi. But I don't remember any of them trying to direct action movies. That's a man's game. And Kathryn Bigelow's game. Period.

The Acting: Fellow fags Ian McKellan and Alan Cumming have both graced the X-Men franchise, and Hugh Jackman (who only acts hella, hella gay in some recent Broadway musical) plays a pussy-ass version of Wolverine, whose sissy claws come out between his fingers instead of over his knuckles. Oscar winner Halle Barry gives the most lackluster performance of her sorry career as Storm, who's a native African with no accent and a platinum blonde with black eyebrows. Nice going, idiots. Patrick Stewart may also be gay, and he may also be an actor in this film.

The Story: Gay, gay, gay. They dismiss so much continuity and good ideas that would have been useful. Where's the scene where Magneto makes Wolverine try to gouge his face with his own claws? That's tailor made for celluloid. They blew it across the board.

The Direction: Singer's a one-hit wonder. Public Access sucked. Apt Pupil sucked. X-Men sucks. I haven't seen X2, but I've been given no reason to doubt it sucks. The Usual Suspects had a great cast and a script so good that even Singer couldn't fuck it up, evidently. And by the way, if you doubt he's a queen--why else would he take a hottie like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and cover her with repulsive blue scales, which she doesn't even have in the comics? As a "fuck you" to the straight world, that's why.

Overall: Fag directors plus heterosexual superhero characters equals retarded leather fetish movies. We saw it with Batman, and we've seen it with X-Men. Stick to sucking cock, if that's what you're good at, cuz you sure aren't good at making movies for the proverbial guys who like movies.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 12: Dodged The Pretentious Bullet Award--Yeah, +1 star. See, to be pretentious, you need a story first. So I guess you could say they dodged the story bullet, too.
• Rule 17: The "Don't Fuck With The Fourth Wall" Penalty--goes to THE WORST one-liner in motion picture history. You know, the one about what happens to a toad when it's struck by lightning? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??? I've never wanted an Akiva Goldsman rewrite in my life, but I would've grabbed for it like a life jacket in freezing waters after hearing that. It's a line so bad, the fourth wall shattered and all I could think about was whether I'd ever heard a worse line in a movie. Suspending disbelief was impossible from that moment on. So, -2 stars, because sometimes lightning does strike twice.
• Rule 34: The Superhero Movie Handicap, -1 point.

Tredekka Score: (ZERO STARS)

"Heart"-throb Willem Dafoe and his sidekick Nic Cage are after more than Pampers in Lynch's kitchy ode to violence and love. 

Wild At Heart ( * * * )

This Palme D'or winner by David Lynch is, as he describes it (and I'm paraphrasing from some old interview) "like a bunch of B movies all thrown together...a little swarm of B's." The Wizard Of Oz figures heavily, as does Elvis, and most of the rest is stuff only Lynch and screenwriter Barry Gifford would come up with.

The Acting: There are some amazing star turns. Cage as "Sailor Ripley" does a pretty solid Elvis impression, and Laura Dern and her mom get into all kinds of crazy shit, including Diane Ladd smearing her entire face with lipstick and become the wicked witch. Sherilyn Fenn has never looked hotter than she does as a car accident victim who touches her own brain and asks, "What's all this sticky stuff in my hair?" And Willem Dafoe, fresh off of playing Jesus, is at his absolute ugliest (inside and out) as the sadistic hitman Bobby Peru, who Lulu (Dern) claims is a "black angel." He nevertheless manages to turn her on during a scene of quasi-sexual assualt. This movie's fucked up.

The Story: Nic Cage makes some black dude's head stick to a floor. He points menacingly at Diane Ladd. He goes to jail. He gets out. He and Lulu go dancing. They break parole. She gets knocked up. He robs a bank. A guy gets his hand shot off and a dog runs off with it. Bobby Peru's brainpan gets blasted into the air in one of the coolest visual effects shots ever. Cage goes back to jail. He gets out. Diane Ladd melts. He calls a bunch of guys fags, and they beat him up. Sheryl "Laura Palmer" Lee plays the good witch and gives him advice, which is fucked-up. He sings Elvis on top of a car. Your usual.

The Direction: David Lynch.

Overall: Isabella Rosselini, J.E. Freeman (The Dane from Miller's Crossing), Harry Dean Stanton, Grace Zabriskie, David Patrick Kelly and Crispin Glover in the most memorable role of his career ("I'm making my lunch!!") fill out the overpowered cast. And Chris Isaak's song "Wicked Game" is perfectly wed to this movie.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Sheryl Lee, +1 star
• Rule 5: Sptting = Good Acting--and so is having a little bit of throw-up on your hair. Thanks for that image, Diane Ladd. +1 star.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--I'm awarding 1 point to Dafoe for Bobby Peru, who is so menacing that I can't believe he ever played somebody as nice as the Green Goblin, much less Jesus.
• Rule 17: The "Don't Fuck With The Fourth Wall" Penalty--minus 1 star for the nonsequiter sequences where a scene cuts to an image of that scene in a crystal ball, and to all of the completely random shit that causes undue turbulence in one's willful suspension of disbelief, like the metal band suddenly playing an Elvis tune and all the girls in the mosh pit swooning. When directors wink at me like that, I want to poke they eyes out. The fact I'm only deducting one point for that shit is a testament to Lynch's genius.
• Rule 35 (NEW RULE): Any David Lynch Movie with Jack Nance, +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * )

Hey, not all my reviews can be about art house movies like "Predator 2"... 

Batman ( * * )

Few movies own a period of time like Batman owned the summer of 1989. I can still remember the ads, though, that said, "The Abyss blows Batman out of the water!" And it did, but not financially. Still, I had the buttons and the t-shirts and some other shit, and I was psyched, and for the most part, it didn't suck. Then Batman broke character and killed a bunch of goons with a bomb and his batplane machine guns, and I was like, well, they fucked it up--a hypothesis further proven by the inept, incoherent fight scenes at the end.

The Acting: Nicholson steals the show so much that I was rooting for him to get away at the end, and even after he fell to his death I was like, "they could bring him back." Keaton, who proved he had dramatic chops in Clean And Sober a year earlier, not to mention psychotic chops in Beetlejuice, was excellent as the Dark Knight. Kim Basinger's hot, but I wanted to strangle her. Robert Wuhl is not hot, but I wanted to strangle him, too. And three cheers for the black Harvey Dent, Mr. Billy Dee Williams. Michael Clarke "Kingpin of Crime" Duncan owes you a royalty check, buddy.

The Story: Oh, the usual horseshit.

The Direction: Tim Burton got his start at Disney, which I suppose explains the ridonculous cartoon Batman silhouette on top of that building near the start of the film. CGI, all is forgiven.

Overall: "Gotham City...always puts a smile on my face." Maybe not, but Jack does...and the anticipation was entertaining in itself. But it's too bad that the Frank Miller of that era was off writing Robocop 2 or whatall instead of doctoring this script.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Jack Nicholson, +1 point. If they're going to make up a name for The Joker, they might as well have called him Jack Nicholson instead of Jack Napier. And what kind of fag hitman asks, "You ever danced with the devil by the pale moon light?" Might as well say to your victims, "I'll slob your knob for a dollar."
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--Nicholson, +1 point. He carries the movie. He deserves the top bill.
• Rule 13: Spawned A Shitty TV Series Penalty--even Adam West would agree that this is applicable somehow. -1 point.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good--I'm starting to hate this rule. But I gotta give it. +1 point.
• Rule 32: William Hootkins = Blockbuster. Eckhardt, think about the future! Of the franchise! +1 star.
• Rule 34 (NEW RULE): The Superhero Movie Handicap--is -1 star. I don't know what it is, but most superhero movies just naturally suck, because the studio ties in charge don't give a shit about the source material, yet they feel the need to micromanage. However, it's not unusual for superhero movie sequels to find their sea-legs...

Tredekka Score: ( * * )

Here we see Cameron trying to master his new and improved animatronic Bill Paxton. 

Ghosts Of The Abyss ( * * * )

I hear that James Cameron's next movie is going to be a documentary called Aliens of the Deep. What's next after that? Terminator of the Geothermal Line? True Lies About Magma? Grow up and make a movie where things blow up, willya?

The Acting: I don't know if it is acting or not. It's a documentary about the Titanic that was filmed after the movie Titanic won Cameron every award known to man. Bill Paxton tags along--not credited as "narrator"--but as "Bill Paxton: passenger."

The Story: Cameron is a genius, and his brother is some sort of physicist super genius. Together they created two manueverable underwater submersibles sent to film the inside of the Titanic for the first time since it sank in 1912. The most interesting moment in the extended 90 min. DVD version of the film (It was originally an IMAX 3D movie) was the fact that they lose a submersible and spend all day on Sept. 11 2001 getting it back, only to surface and hear Bill Paxton say, "Jim, it's the worst terrorist attack in history..." and proceed to describe the events of 9/11 to Cameron.

The Direction: You get a sense of the mixed crew of scientists and russian "cowboys" and hollywood actors, but Cameron doesn't make it look like fun. James Cameron's the mission leader, sort of, but you don't end up learning a huge amount about the sunken ship you've not heard before.

Overall: I just want to point out that every James Cameron movie with the word "Abyss" in the title has a scene where a guy is trying to clamp the rope of a loose submersible with a robotic claw. Only this time, if he'd missed, it would have personally cost James Cameron millions of dollars since the submersible in question was one of his "Jake" and "Elwood" inventions. In The Abyss, all that was at stake was humankind.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 5: Over The Top Acting Award--It's not exactly acting, but the cast/crew played up a moment in which a plaque they were going to put on the Titanic (saying something about how it's a monument to the hubris of mankind and the disasters man causes) is set aside because they have to go home to America because of 9/11. +2 stars, one each for Paxton and Cameron, for tastefully exploiting that tragedy (which saved this otherwise dull film).
• Rule 33 (NEW RULE): Any Documentary Gets A Pity Star For The Effort.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * )

Mankind has always wondered, and now we know the answer: There are mullets in space. 

I Come In Peace ( * * * )

If, one day, they uncover a time capsule of bad late eighties/early nineties movies, I hope there's a copy of I Come In Peace there (even though my VHS copy is under the title of "Dark Angel" on the movie itself). Released in 1990, starring Dolph Lundgren as hard-boiled cop Jack Caine whose black partner dies within the first, oh, ten minutes (yes, this film is that cliched--and more!), I Come In Peace is the ultimate in eighties cop/action movie cheese.

The Acting: Dolph Lundgren, who is in reality has a genius-level I.Q., plays his usual brawn-over-brains cop, who trusts his instincts more than procedures. Brian Benben plays his FBI agent partner, "Special Agent Smith". In an admirable act of screenplay economy, Dolph's girlfriend is the coroner. Now that's writing.

The Story: "Who is that guy?" "He's some asshole from outer space." You couldn't find a more eighties movie. It starts with criminals infiltrating a high-tech building in the guise of cops, there's a car chase, the old partner dies and the new one gets kidnapped, Jack gets put on mandatory vacation by his angry captain when he leaves a surveillance case on a bunch of drug-dealers to break up a convenience store robbery. And an alien drug-dealer, chased to earth by an alien cop, is collecting human endorphines to sell to his kind, by sucking them out of people's heads with a tube that comes out of his wrist. His only dialogue? "I come in peace." Well, he also says, "I win" near the end, but both statements are blatant lies.

The Direction: If you love Sam Raimi cam, hunt down this movie. One of the alien's weapons is a compact-disc looking blade that is attuned to human electromagnetic frequency, or as the lab tech who studies it says, "It's like setting the dial to K-I-L-L." It bounces around the room slicing throats in "blade cam." Matthias Hues, as the bad alien, delivers a memorably misanthropic performance as the gun-weilding outer space asshole. Craig R. Baxley directed another classic eighties movie, Action Jackson.

Overall: If you like outer-space drug dealer movies, you should check it out.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 3: Suck Actor Penalty--I never could stand Brian Benben. -3 stars.
• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--3 stars goes to Mr. Al Leong, whose very presence in the film is like an imprimateur of its eightiesness.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--1 star for Matthias Hues, whose catchphrase never gets old. His sly smile when a cop cruiser blows up behind him during a chase made me hunt this movie down, because I saw the trailer to it about a hundred times on my VHS copy of Miller's Crossing.
• Rule 14: Cool Gun Award--both aliens have rapid fire space pistols that blow up cars quicker than a Mexican can blow leaves with a leaf blower. +1 star.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good--espically in a scene that rips off Die Hard. +1 star

Tredekka Score: ( * * * )

Not your usual Lynch mob. 

The Straight Story ( * * * * )

A rated "G" Disney movie by David Lynch? The man who wrote the lines, "I'll fuck anything that moves" and "Fucking fuckers fuck"? Believe it or not...yes. My friend and I saw this first run in the theater, and instantly knew it to be Lynch, because the opening shot took an ice age. Meanwhile, kids drug to the movies by their idiot parents just because it was a G-rated Disney movie were going out of their minds with boredom, because there was nothing onscreen that remotely resembled a muppet. Okay, Everett McGill remotely resembles a muppet, but he doesn't show up till much later...

The Acting: Richard Farnsworth portrays Alvin Straight, a man trying to cross several states on his riding lawnmower to visit his brother, who has suffered a stroke. This was Farnsworth's last and greatest role. Sissy Spacek plays his mentally challenged daughter, who is bewildered by her father's decision. Harry Dean Stanton plays the brother, and does more with his few lines and expressions than most actors achieve in thier lifetimes.

The Story: Based on a true story, it is an adventure worthy of greek tragedy. Alvin can hardly walk without the use of dual walking sticks, much less be expected to make a multi-week trip alone, but that's exactly what he does--and all those he meets are touched by his mortality, sincerity, and integrity.

The Direction: Lynch has always been fascinated with the false veneer of small town life. Here he scratches the surface to find that there is something genuine and good to be found underneath. Farnsworth is not your classic hero. Frail (indeed, dying), stubborn, and perhaps pridefully foolish, he nevertheless takes a real hero's journey wrought with obstacles.

Overall: A truly great film, probably the last great film to be made about the World War II generation by members of that generation.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--a full 5 stars goes to Farnsworth who delivers a performance that is real, funny, heartbreaking, and impossibly genuine. He was fucking robbed of the Oscar. Harry Dean Stanton is astonishingly subdued as the brother Lyle.
• Rule 9: Any David Lynch Movie Without Jack Nance, -1 star.
• Rule 28: The "For The Kids" Penalty--doesn't apply. Alvin smokes, drinks, says damn and hell. I love it. This is one time when the MPAA got their heads out of their asses and judged a movie fairly. Kids should see this movie. At home, I mean.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * )

The question is, is Star Wars still good? The answer--Fuck yeah! 

Star Wars ( * * * * * )

It's always amazing how many girls out there haven't seen Star Wars, as if VHS rentals and the USA network had never existed. As far as I'm concerned, Star Wars was the war of my generation, and anyone who hasn't seen it is a draft-dodger. Now let me add something completely original that's never been said before: I grew with Star Wars. I love Star Wars. I love the memory of playing with the toys, seeing the commercials for the toys. The feeling that I was part of something bigger, the sheer joy of seeing racks of carded figures in department store aisles. It was a total experience. I saw the movie when I was two or three, so it's hard to remember that specific experience, but I'm told I saw it several times, and I've even seen it a few times since. A few dozen times, I hope, but I wouldn't be shocked if it was a few hundred.

The Acting: I can see why the acting was dismissed as B-list acting, but the elder Brits in the cast, Alec Guiness and Peter Cushing, bring a statesmanlike dignity to the proceedings. Harrison Ford kicks ass as the shoot-first, shoot later smuggler Han Solo and Darth Vader is the silver screen's greatest villain ever. I mean, I love the warden from Story of Ricky as much as anybody, but come on.

The Story: Power of myth.

The Direction: [straining and grimacing] Lucas's...directing...is...good....[suddenly breathing easy] Whew. I said it.

Overall: I remember the peanut butter taste of Pepperidge Farms Wookiee Cookies. I remember the art in the giant-sized Star Wars comic I would read every summer at the family cabin in Idaho. I remember the feel of the hidden compartment inside my Sandcrawler toy. I remember the smell of the foam pieces of garbage of the Death Star playset. I remember the sound of lightsaber battles experienced across time, throughout every phase of my life. I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Alec Guiness, +1 star.
• Rule 14: Cool Gun Award--Han's blaster, Chewie's bowcaster--hell, I'd take the Jawa's shitty little ion cannon. They're all awesome! +1 star.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--1 star goes to Obi-Wan, appearing as a "crazy old wizard" in the desert by howling like a dragon, and to the Rebel Blockade Runner that is running for its life as soon as the movie starts. Vader's smoky entrance is pretty badass, too.
• Rule 31 (NEW RULE): Lightsabers Are Sweet--1 star goes to any movie with a lightsaber, at least until Adobe Photoshop ruins it for me.
• Rule 32 (NEW RULE): William Hootkins = Blockbuster--plus 1 star for any film (especially the first part of a trilogy) starring William Hootkins. He guarantees success.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * * )

I haven't seen Midnight Cowboy yet, but it's gotta be hella good if it bested this for the 1969 Best Picture. 

Bambi Meets Godzilla ( * * )

A classic.

The Acting: I was impressed by Bambi's unawareness of Godzilla, as well as Godzilla's use of his toenails, which flex triumphantly after Bambi is squished.

The Story: (SPOILERS)...Bambi is grazing in a meadow, when Gozilla suddenly steps on him. That's it.

The Direction: Marv whoever-you-are...well done.

Overall: I've seen this animated short a couple of times now, and I notice something new each time. Okay, that's a lie. It's like, two seconds long. But still a classic.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to Godzilla's toenails (see above). +1 star.
• Rule 12: Dodged The Pretentious Bullet Award--makes me glad they didn't try to do a Bambi vs. Godzilla vs. Predator vs. Alien vs. Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash. +1 star.
• Rule 29 (NEW RULE): Any Film Shorter Than 86 Minutes Is For Pussies--so, -1 star. (Bambi Vs. Godzilla is 84 minutes shorter than 86 minutes.)
• Rule 30 (NEW RULE): Any Animated Film Gets A Pity Star For The Effort. +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * )

"Hey." 

Godzilla 1985 ( * )

Aside from being the easiest paycheck of Raymond Burr's life, what more is there to say about Godzilla 1985? I haven't seen a lot of Godzilla films, so I can't really speak relatively to the others. There's lasers. Very big, very badly aimed lasers. And we learn that Dr. Pepper is the drink of choice in the Pentagon, but remember, that's pre-9/11.

The Acting: Raymond Burr grimaces. He listens. He narrows his eyes. He listens. Raymond Burr listens.

The Story: He looks smug. He listens. He makes a hypothesis that Godzilla is after something, and he won't leave till he gets it. No one passes this along to the Japanese, who are stuck in an international Tug-Of-Cold-War between the Americans and the Russians. I think near the end Burr observes something deep about mankind, but I forgot what it is.

The Direction: Every Godzilla movie I've ever seen moves so slowly it seems like it takes place entirely underwater. Maybe growing up on an island nation does that to people. Peter Weller kicked ass in his Robocop suit, Godzilla, so the least you could do perform the occasional clothesline manuever against a building as it tries to run by.

Overall: I was less aware of looking at models during Team America: World Police, and you can see the puppet strings in that movie. I'm starting to think that Godzilla movies are popular in the same way that God is popular. The idea just sounds so damn good, you want to love it, despite any evidence to the contrary. I mean, everyone knows that God is just some Japanese dude in a rubber suit.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to Raymond Burr, whose acting is so completely under the top that his score is inverted. I've never seen anyone listen so hard and do nothing so fast, so quick--ha--in so many seconds. +1 star.
• Rule 19: Narration Won't Save You, Bitches--I will have to deduct 1 star for the final narration, which basically tells us that nuclear holocaust, like Godzilla, is bad. No shit.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good--this is sometimes a hard rule to judge. For instance, the buldings in Armageddon didn't really explode so much as get battered by asteroids. I think one building explodes when Godzilla uses his atomic breath on it. Sure, why not. +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * )

It's all fun and games until somebody gets mutilated, and then somebody else loses an eye, and then other stuff happens. You remember that next time you play with fireworks. 

Silver Bullet ( * * )

"Holy jumped-up bald-headed Jesus Palamina!" Such is Gary Busey's reaction to hearing the theory that a werewolf in town is killing the locals, and it's a fairly level reaction. After all, Werewolves--unlike zombies, vampires, sprites, brownies, Will Smiths, Draculas, harpies, gargoyles, grotesques and gillmen--are ridonculous. Thank god Lost Boy-slayer Corey Feldmen is on hand (but no legs, the fucking cripple) to help out.

The Acting: At least one cast member in this movie breaks out into cult film fame every few years, so by 2058 we should know all of them by name. You got Terry O'Quinn (currently in Lost on ABC), Everett McGill (Straight Story and Twi...other Lynch stuff) and even Lawrence Tierney, who does not, unfortunately, beat up the werewolf in the parking lot like he did to his brother that one time.

The Story: Stephen King wrote it. That doesn't mean it's good. In fact, it's not very good. Maybe because Stephen King wrote it. Maybe not. I read the end of Dark Tower VII recently. I won't give away any spoilers. But Stephen King wrote it and I'm still trying to decide how pissed I am at him. He's old now.

The Direction: Some Dude directed it, and it has the distinct imprimateur of Some Dude. Where'd you get that Super Firework, Some Dude? You know the one, the one that can pierce human or werewolf flesh. I ain't never been in a war, but I shot them fireworks. Speaking of unusual weapons, what the fuck, Busey? They send you in with enough silver to make two bullets, and you waste half of it on a silver shell casing? What're you gonna do, pick up the shell casing and jam it down the werewolf's throat if you miss the first time? Don't you know he can see your heat?

Overall: Lawrence Tierney's baseball bat is named "The Peacemaker." Well of course it is.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Gary Busey, +2 stars.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--Busey as a drunk uncle? Perfect. Can he drink in front of the crippled boy who idolizes him? Even better. Maybe Stephen King is good after all. I hope his fans forgive me, cuz I can't take no "private justice." +1 point.
• Rule 19: Narration Won't Save You, Bitches--talky talky talky. I see how it is, Mister Penguin. -1 point.

Tredekka Score: ( * * )

Rare archival footage of what Persephone (Monica Belluci) looks like above the neckline. (Must be a damn deleted scene or something, I sure don't remember this in the movie.)

The Matrix Revolutions (ZERO STARS)

In Deadfall, Charlie Sheen says the line of a two-piece pool stick, "This is one of those rare occasions when one...plus one...equals one." Well, in the case of the Matrix trilogy, it's even rarer. One...plus one...equals zilch.

The Acting: Monica Bellucci is fantastically beautiful.

The Story: Her boobs are nice.

The Direction: We see a pretty good overhead shot of her boobs.

Overall: Set aside the fact that there's no decent resolution. Set aside the fact that humanity is still pretty much screwed. Set aside the fact that there's repetitive and protracted death scenes. Set aside the fact that outside of Zion there's no real people to be found in the last two movies, so it feels like nothing's at stake. Set aside the fact that the machines, who outmatch the humans in every respect, swarm above Zion like retards when they all they have to do is laser one bridge and they win. Set aside that the machines in general behave like such retards that their only possible motivation for creating the matrix at all is cost-inefficient sadism, and that their behavior is so idiotic that we cannot possibly suspend disbelief in the "real world" we're given. Set all that aside and you have...uh...nothing to talk about. This movie licks scrote.

Tredekka Rules:

NONE APPLY

Tredekka Score: ZERO STARS

It's Soooouuul Train! 

The Matrix Reloaded ( * * * )

Is it truly more interesting becoming a thing than being a thing? Yes, if the Matrix series is to be believed. Neo goes from being a badass like the comic book Punisher to the TV Superman George Reeves (what is it with dudes whose last name is Reeves or Reeve playing Superman? Neo is even called Superman, thanks to the Warner Bros. connection.) With great power comes great woodeness, evidently.

The Acting: Carrie-Anne Moss has less personality in this movie than any CGI creation around her. Morpheus goes in for a little St. Crispins day speech action to a rave full of neanderthals. Keanu is on automatic pilot, too busy worrying about his wirework to deliver a solid performance. Hugo Weaving continues to amuse, but thanks to his new role as a spreading virus the amusement is mostly a find-the-baldest-stunt-double version of "Where's Waldo".

The Story: I like the story in the second one, my only complaint is the deleted scene they left in where the Merovingian gives the chick the orgasm cake. What the fuck is that dead weight scene doing in an action movie? A sign of trouble to come, that's what. And they could have left out the "angry police chief" character, Commander Lock. Wrong genre, guys.

The Direction: Still good, for the most part. I don't mind the missing engines and the other technical problems they had with the chase scene, it was still good. The end, with the Architect, set up a great third act that they didn't write, where Neo discovers that the human resistance is inside a second Matrix that acts like a buffer program, and that the real real world is yet to be discovered. Boy, that would've been a cool capper to this trilogy. Too bad they didn't ask me to write it. Hell, it's too bad they didn't ask Akiva Goldsman to write it.

Overall: Like the Lord of the Rings series, the Matrix wound up being a great setup with no payoff. Even in this series, what becomes of the Merovingian or The Architect, the two main villains? They get off scott free. But we'll save that for the next review.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 11: Giant Robots Make Good Cinema--here we're treated to the first sight of the drillers who are trying to screw humanity. +1 point.
• Rule 14: Cool Gun Award--goes to Morpheus's fully automatic Glok pistol, which according to one of the making of docs said it was only a prototype or something. +1 star.
• Rule 24: Exploding buildings are good, +1 point. Damn, these are all, like, MTV awards. Maybe I need a Best Performance By An Inanimate Object award, like that time Vanilla Ice beat out the peeling wallpaper from Barton Fink.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * )

Why can't Alex Winter have two guns? 

The Matrix ( * * * * )

The ads for this had me completely turned off (I remember wincing every time I heard Joey Pants say the line, "Buckle up Dorothy--cuz Kansas is goin' bye-bye!") but I shelled out money to see it at the dollar theater when I learned that my favorite artist Geof Darrow did storyboards and concept designs. I was not disappointed.

The Acting: Keanu is certainly passable as a techno-Jesus. Carrie-Anne Moss is deceptively hot. Larry Fishburne is half Obi-Wan, half Darth Vader as Morpheus. Joey Pants is Joey Pants. Hugo Weaving steals the show as a violently neurotic germophobe computer program.

The Story: Inventive, innovative, and an embarassment to Star Wars: Episode I in every way. This is the first super-hero fantasy grounded in some kind of logic, even if it's twisted. Too bad they didn't pursue that as a premise for the next two, since there were no humans spectators in the next two to be impressed by Neo's abilities. Let's pretend the other Matricies didn't happen.

Overall: If this movie ever comes out in a non-shitty Warner Bros. case, I will buy it. But you can keep the box set with the Neo statue. That's retarded.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to Hugo Weaving for the whole "humanity is a virus" scene. The dialogue's so good it tickles. +1 star.
• Rule 11: Giant Robots Make Good Cinema--especially Giant Geof Darrow Robots. +1 point.
• Rule 12: Dodged The Pretentious Bullet Award--yep, humanity's been taken over by machines. Now let's learn kung-fu! +1 point.
• Rule 13: Spawned A Shitty TV Series Penalty--"Threat Matrix", anyone? Okay, that's not fair. How about..."Matrix", starring Carrie-Anne Moss? No, wait, that came out BEFORE The Matrix. Fuck it. I saw more bullet time in Doritos commercials than any human being should have to--that's a show; sure, why not. -1 point.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--goes to Neo...the real Neo...as he is "born" in a slimy cubbyhole and then gets his head unscrewed by a giant monster before getting flushed down a toilet. +1 star.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good, +1 point. I almost want to have a rule that gives bonus points to jumping off a fire escape into a dumpster, but honestly, how often would that come up?

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * )

As Tim Meadows would ask, "Where's the Asian one?" But it's a "small town...not enough Orientals." 

The Witches Of Eastwick ( * * * * )

This movie got me thinking: am I a member of the first generation of Americans who will look back on their childhoods and wish they had been forced to read more? I saw Witches in the theater, but once it came out on VHS (or, more accurately, was dubbed onto a blank VHS) I must have spent half a summer watching it. Everyone is entitled to one movie they've seen more than they reasonably should have, and this is mine. I've seen this movie dozens of times, making it oddly hard to review. But here goes.

The Acting: This is Jack Nicholson's best role, in my book. His acidic monologue about women, performed to a church full of people while covered in chicken feathers, cherry-flavored liquid vomit and dirt from being whippped across town via voodoo magic, is one of the best, most perfect scenes in film history. When he asks of God creating women, "was it a mistake, or did he do it to us on purpose?" and compares women to tidal waves, earthquakes, and floods, you know he means every hilarious word. The witches, including Michelle Pfeiffer at her hottest outside of Batman Returns, Cher at her funniest and Susan Sarandon at her most tolerable, are excellent.

The Story: Jack Nicholson is created as a sort of consensus reality of what three desperate women's dream man would be, and Carel Struyken is his loyal man-servant. He is, in reality, a dark demon come to propogate his species and, I dunno, destroy mankind or something. He doesn't get that far. Too much women trouble, as a threesome with the Witches leads to backstabbing, doll making, cherry pit-vomiting, bagels and ice cream, impossible pregnancy, a ridonculous car chase where Nicholson chases his own car while trying to drive it, and a final showdown that defies credulity.

The Direction: George Miller, who brought us two talking pig movies and three (soon four) Mad Max films, does a beautiful job, and every shot is perfectly framed and lovely. Small towns either look really inviting or really shitty in movies, and Eastwick has a charm all its own. And not just because hot, desperate housewives with magical powers live there. There are also Snowy Egrets.

Overall: A personal favorite, and one of the most egalitarian films ever made. The male and female characters all have a point of view informed, but not ruled by, their gender, and there is humor in the truth and drama in the humor.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 4: Sweet Actor Bonus--Jack Nicholson, +1 star. Say what you want about Jack, but he's never boring.
• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting. Thanks to the witches' "cheap trick" there's fire hydrants worth of magical cherry pit puke, and plenty of drool. It's even set to music by John Williams. +1 point.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--Jack Nicholson, +2 points.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * )

Disturbingly, this isn't the only "Hummer" in the movie... 

Team America: World Police ( * * * * )

"...Inebidibbble."
"What?"
"Inebbidibble."
"One more time."
"Things are inebbidibbbly going to change! Jesus Christ, open your fuckeen ears!"

Kim Jong Il (Trey Parker) gives a great villainous performance in this film, which tears the pussies of the world a new asshole, then fills that asshole with dicks (see the film and you'll understand exactly what I mean).

The Acting: I'm telling you, these actors must have trained with Yuen Wu Ping for years before they delved into the wire-work intensive martial arts of this film. They're right there on the set with blazing fires, Alec Baldwin, dangerous panthers, and hazardous stunts that must have been aided by heavy CGI, or else how could they do them? I think they had to have used a fake Gary head for the throwing up scene, or else...or else he really is the world's greatest actor.

The Story: Basically all the worst parts of the Bible. Kim Jong Il and a cadre of middle eastern terrorists--cleverly infiltrated by Team America--plot to create 9/11 times, like, 2,356. What is that? I don't know. No one knows.

The Direction: Most of the actors are so wooden, it must have been like directing a room full of Liv Tylers. Then again, directing inanimate objects is a snap. [I mean, I've been doing it for years. So FUCK YOU Trey Parker and Matt Stone. FUUUUCKK YOUUUU!! You think you can just walk into the scale model game and take it over like this? Rarr!! It makes me so fucking mad! But only on reflection. I was laughing till I cried in the theater.] I challenge anyone to walk out of that movie and not be humming "America--Fuck, Yeah!" somewhere in the back of their brain.

Overall: Trey Parker says that if the song "I'm Lonely" get's nominated for an Academy Award, he's going to get Kim Jong Il to come sing it. Then Trey Parker will get a Nobel Peace Prize, and the universe will explode like every set and prop in this film.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 5: Spitting = Good Acting. I think it can be said there was no vanity or selfconscious acting in Gary's explosive performance in the alleyway behind the bar. +1 star.
• Rule 6: Over The Top Acting Award--goes to Helen Hunt, for the finest performance of her distinguished career. +1 star.
• Rule 7: Cameo By Puppet Intestines, +1 star.
• Rule 14: Cool Gun Award--1 star goes to Kim Jong Il's badass, gangsta, 1/3 scale Desert Eagle.
• Rule 15: Practise Makes Perfect--it's not a police firing range, but it is a World Police firing range. +1 star.
• Rule 17: The "Don't Fuck With The Fourth Wall" Penalty--goes to the puppet strings that hang in every shot. I'm only deducting 2 points, though, because they actually help clarify the action on screen during a crucial scene in which Gary proves his loyalty to Spottswoode in the most unequivocal way a male puppet can.
• Rule 24: Exploding Buildings Are Good--someone in the audience actually cheered when the world-famous Parisian art museum the Louvre was decimated by an American missle. Fuck yeah!! +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * * * )

KEE--KK--CH--KOO...[those are my Transformer noises] 

Returner ( * * )

What a delightful mish-mash of James Cameron and John Woo movies this is. Not an original bone in its body.

The Acting: Ya got me. I don't talk Chinklish.

The Story: Take the Abyss, Terminator, The Matrix, The Killer, Time Cop, E.T., Independence Day and, shit, I dunno, Rainbow Brite or something because Anne Suzuki is cute in a muppetish kind of way...mix it together...stir...serve.

The Direction: Derivitive, derivitive, derivitive. I think this whole movie was filmed just so that the trailer would cut together looking cool with all the invading spaceships and the one gun in each hand stuff.

Overall: Turn that switch in your brain to "off" if you want to enjoy this movie. You know the one. The switch you turned off so you could enjoy Street Fighter.

Tredekka Rules:

• Rule 11: Giant Robots Make Good Cinema--I'm not sure if they're robots or just transforming spaceships, but whatever they are they were cool as hell. One was a jet, the other a passenger plane. +1 point.
• Rule 22: The Great Entrance Award--The Daggra (aliens with the Tibetan name for "enemy") first appear in the guise of a harrier-like jet, which transforms into a bird-like configuration and spits out a bunch of Predator-looking motherfuckers that proceed to blow a bunch of human resistance members apart. Yet another case of me getting psyched by a sweet trailer only to discover the ridonculous movie that lies beneath. +1 star.

Tredekka Score: ( * * )

I looked and looked and looked before I FINALLY found a picture from Lord of the Rings online. Man, I'm tired.